What do you think?

[Mary]

When one half of a couple is a worrier, whom do you think should bow to the other person's preferences? Should the non-worrier humor his/her partner, or should the worrier bite the bullet and not ask/expect the other person to give the concerns any attention?

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This is kind of a big deal around here. I am the worrier; dh wouldn't worry if his life depended on it. He thinks I'm paranoid and ridiculous. I admit that sometimes that's true. But sometimes I have legitimate concerns and, frankly, it offends me somewhat that he can't respect me and do what I ask. Tonight, for example, we all drove up to Norman to pick up my van, which may or may not be fixed. He took the van and went up to the city to have dinner with friends and I brought the kids home in the other car. I asked him TWICE to call me as soon as he got to his friends and let me know he'd made it okay and how the van did. That was five hours ago and I've never heard from him since. Additionally, he's not answering his cell, which probably means he left it in the van when he went in the friend's house. It ticks me off because, after 12 years, he KNOWS I worry about stuff. All I asked was a thirty-second phone call to say he'd made it. He may feel like "no news is good news" but he knows that isn't how I feel, so shouldn't he be considerate of that?

Incidentally, he's also supposed to give me a call when he leaves there to head for home, but what do you want to bet he doesn't bother with that, either? Which means I'll go to bed and not be able to get to sleep properly till 2 a.m. or whenever the hell he decides to get home. :rolleyes

Anyway, I am not sure who should be the one to conform, here. Should I just warm up to the fact that he doesn't worry about things and stop asking him to go along with my worrying, or should he acknowledge that my feelings are valid even if he doesn't share them, and do his best to reassure me?

[Jejune]

Well, I'm usually the worrier here, so I'm biased. I always want my will deferred to. ;) But I think the worrier and the non worrier tend to balance each other out. Sometimes my worries aren't reasonable, and it's not going to hurt the kids to have a little more freedom when Papa's in charge than when Mommy's in charge. I think it should be played out on a case by case basis.

Now, in terms of what you're describing, yeah, he should have called you. I've had nights where I couldn't sleep because Daniel didn't want to call and wake me when he was running late and it really scared me.

[almsthr]

I am also the worrier. I think if each person respects the other and give be a bit more considerate, things would be so much easier.
Phone calls are a big issue! Call to tell me you are OK, or will be late. I get "Oh I forgot".

[Kristen]

I don't know! I suppose it should be something of a compromise. I would be a bit unhappy about the not calling bit, although I supposed I'd figure that if the van had broken down, I'd have gotten a call.

I can understand you wanting him to allay your fears, even if he thinks they're unreasonable.

In our relationship, Steve is the more cautious one. I tend to be more of a worrier, though, if that makes sense.

[Mary]

Now, in terms of what you're describing, yeah, he should have called you. I've had nights where I couldn't sleep because Daniel didn't want to call and wake me when he was running late and it really scared me.

Oh, don't even get me started on that! That has happened numerous times. I'm like, "Helloooo? Do you not know me by now? You should know I'm lying awake, unable to sleep, anyway, because you didn't call!'

In his defense I will say that he did at least call when he was on his way home. I had actually been able to get to sleep w/o hearing from him (I was exhausted) but being awoken by his call was way better than jolting awake at 2:00 and realizing he still wasn't home yet and hadn't called.

[Brooke]

I am the one in your position Mary and I hate it when Eric doesn't call. He's been pretty good lately and will call. But in the first few years, it was like pulling teeth.

In a situation like this, I think either partner should call the other and let them know they got somewhere safe - esp. with the van being only maybe fixed. I also think that any late night stuff deserves a phone call because hey, there are tons of drunks out on the road. And that scares the crap out of me.

[tidee]

i agree with you mary, especially in this age of cell phones. i mean really, you don't even have to stop to call. the only excuse would be something like misplacing your phone or having accidentally left it in the car and not wanting to get dressed and get it. i have misplaced my phone that way and then figured i'd just call in the morning.

i was the worrier in my marriage, and i would have wanted a call. i was flabbergasted last year when i stayed with a couple for the weekend, as did a few others, and one lady's husband was trying to reach her to see if she made the trip allright, and she refused to speak to him or call back till the next day. she said: that's what you get if you're a worrier.

cha! this was after the host had emailed us (before the trip), warning us of possible flooding. personally, i think that was awful, but it's their marriage.

[MathSpeak]

I'm the non-worrier in most cases. I would try to take the other person's way into consideration. This was a big issue with my family when I was in my early 20s. Of course, I thought I was "grown" so I would travel hundreds of miles and they would worry about me. It wasn't until I had a kid that I understood, so I try to be a lot better about it now.