Staying friends with people without kids

[Polly]

Actually, most of my friendships have stayed about the same since Elizabeth's birth last April. Except for one. My friend, M., just doesn't know how to adjust to the change. I can see two reasons:

a. her new boyfriend is 25, she's 32 and feels she has to keep up with him
b. she's unhappy in her personal life

I don't know what to do-she emailed me earlier, wanting to know if CJ and I could go out to a bar with her, her SO, and some of his friends on St. Patrick's Day. I told her it was just to hard this year. I've done the bar thing for many St. Paddy's Days-CJ's Irish American. I just get exhausted thinking about trying to get a babysitter, stand in line to get in a bar, pay a cover charge, wait forever for a drink, stand in line for the bathroom, etc. I'd rather just have corned beef, cabbage, and Guiness at home with a traditional viewing of "Darby O'Gill and the Little People." (Oh, man. I AM old.) Anyhoo, M. said she is really making an effort to hang out. I've told her before, hanging out is fine but we have to take Elizabeth's needs in to account. Like eating out early, eating at someone's house, or having people over to our house. Coming home drunk (CJ-I'm still nursing so no getting crocked for me-I'm too lazy too pump at 11pm at night) and smelling smokey just is too much.

I've been lucky with maintaining most friendships so far. I'm 33 and most of my friends are around my age and starting to get in long term relationships and start families/buy a dog/buy a house. So we have lots in common.
Don't know what to do about M.

Polly

[Jo]

We managed to stay friends but since you nannied, you had some insight on how having kids can change your social life.

When it comes to M, I don't know there is much you can do. I would try initiating an outing that works for your time and Elizabeth's so she understands what you mean. I really don't consider calling someone up who has kids for St. Patty's day a real effort at trying. But you know that I feel that until M figures out how to be happy herself, she isn't going to be happy with other people.

I'll call you tomorrow since I could end up typing an entire conversation!LOL

[Kristi]

It is so hard for people without kids to understand that kids have needs that need to be met and that you can't always going running out to do the things you used to. It seems that you have tried to explain this to her and she is just not getting it. I would try to be the one to intiate get togethers with her when it is convienent for you if it is a friendship that is important to keep. That way you can make it at a time and location that suits you and your daughter.

I got pregnant with my first child when I was 18. Lucky for me my best friend was pregnant at the same time. But I lost touch with alot of other close friends because they just did not understand that I had other priorities once I had a husband and a child. I have a very close friend who I was roommates with right after highschool who is still this way when I am in town. She will pout and whine about me not having time or not wanting to do the things she wants to do (go to bars, stay out real late etc.) She just doesn't get that coming home drunk and leaving the kids with a sitter all night is not an option for me.

Good luck with making her understand. :hugs

[Kami]

I have stayed friends with most of my friends since having kids. I was 17 when I had Dylan, so while I missed out on a lot, everyone seemed to understand. Now that we are older and soem of them still have no kids, they realize that I can't get a babysitter at the drop of a hat & the kids are always first! They are all very supportive and understanding.

[Erika]

I have mostly stayed friends with my childless friends. My bf is Sasha's fairy godmother and still very much part of our lives and friendship, eventhough she has no chidlren. She understands that Sasha takes up huge amounts of my time and I can't drop everything to go bar-hopping with her (although we have done a few girlie nights out with lots of wine when I've managed to pump enough). The only time I felt at all hurt though was when she didn't aks me to her parents 25th anniversary soley because she didn't think I would be able to come, what with a baby and all. Maybe so, but it would ahve been nice to have been asked, especially since I am close to her parents!

[Desirae]

I only have a few friends who don't have kids.
In the situation you're talking about I would just try to ask her if she wants to do stuff that fits for your family. Be it dinner in with a bottle of wine or whatever. I have had people ask me to go bar hopping all night (most recently for my sister's birthday). They just don't get it. They assume that pumping and taking care of the baby hung over is easy... or that I'll just dump the kids on someone else like the one mom in the group does. :( SOrry, my kids are more important than being stupid for a night.

Whew, anyways... best of luck. I hope she is able to fix her situation soon so she's happy and that you two are ableto maintain your friendship.:squeeze

[Beka]

it is hard and to be honest we only maintained errrrmmmm... none of our friends from pre-children life (we still see 2 but they have always been out and not said a mention of it to us) BUT on a plus side we have made some new childless friends who have only ever known us as parents so understand our restrictions - the ones who knew us pre-children expected us to be able to continue to be those people and practically we can't be even though we've not changed in our heads and selves we have changed in our responsibilities, priorities and it isn't possible to get out some days as you can't just leave a baby with anyone (half of them seemed to think hiring a random stranger was fine and would offer us people they knew but we never ever met as sitters or entirely inappropriate people and all i could think is give it 10 years when they have kids and they'll realise how ludicrous their suggestions have been!)

I found very few people could accept we could no longer be selfish not just with our time but also with our resources and so we moved on, as i said though we made new friends- some have kids but the majority are work collegues of Davids who have only ever known us as people who have 4 kids to put first.

[Lori]

For me, it depended more on the attitude and lifestyle of the person rather than them not having kids. Honestly, some of my childless friends (and most especially my best friend and her boyfriend) were the absolute best support I had Thomas' first two years, and I don't think I would have survived my pregnancy and his infancy sanely without them. I think, personally, that childless friends who like kids can be the #1 resource a new parent can have. They don't have their own kids to tire them out and worry them, so you can call them late at night and break down about how it took your child two hours to go to sleep without worrying about waking them or their kids up. They don't have any experience raising kids, so they'll usually listen to you vent without giving unwanted advice. They will suggest fun things to do that aren't trips to the playground or story hour, because they still go out and do fun things. And if you are very lucky (which we were, before we moved), they will love your child so much they will beg you to go out so they can play with him or her alone for a while, and then they refuse to take your money when you try to pay them. I think our age at something to do with why it worked out so well with our friends, because we were in our mid-20s when we had Thomas, and most of our friends were, too, so they were at a point where they were starting to think about having kids, but it was still a few years off in the future. We also didn't have any close friends who went to bars often or were big partiers, so honestly our bringing a baby when we hung out didn't make a huge difference.

But childless friends who don't like or don't want or are just uninterested in kids are another story, and I really couldn't maintain friendships with my friends like that. I had one friend in particular who seemed to only want to either go to expensive restaurants, or go to the movies, or both. Neither one is a setting where it's possible to bring a baby or small child (at least not one like mine ;)). She just never seemed to enjoy just hanging out at one of our houses, or going for a walk, or doing something kid-friendly, and we just ended up hanging out more and more infrequently until we didn't hang out any more.

In your case, I'd try to suggest things that would be easy and fun for you to do, and invite her along. That way she sees that you're making the effort, and you won't be put out. I hope you guys can work it out!

[Christine]

The one really close friend I had at the time drifted away from me when I moved 12 hours away and got pregnant. I made all new friends down here and most of them had families. It just made sense that I would gravitate towards people that I had something major in common with.

I do have one really old friend that I reconnected with awhile back. She really dislikes kids, though. Even though she lives just a few hours from me, we haven't met up yet. What would I do with her, you know?

[wendygrace]

We have none of our friends from when we were single. Not really. Dh talks to some of the on the phone but since they live half way across the world, they don't really "count". :) At least not to him. :rolleyes:

Its funny you should mention this because I was just talking about this to a IRL friend of mine. She and I were talking about how our values have changed or adjusted since kids. I think that's what makes it hard to stay friends with people who don't have kids or who parent very differently from you. If you value time with your kids, someone who doesn't get that will have a hard time being your friend. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't stay kinda connected or not connected at all. That may change later on when your values and needs shift.

[Jejune]

I guess I've been very fortunate. My two best friends have been around since high school and while neither of them has children yet, we are still very close, and they are VERY understanding. I don't know what I'd do without them. Most of the friends I've made post kids do have children, but I think that's a result of where I hang out these days. LOL

With or without kids, though, we reach different stages in life and sometimes grow apart and kids can exacerbate that difference. I've never been a party animal and wouldn't be even if I was childfree. Some of my friends did party a lot pre-kids, and we probably wouldn't have been good friends at that time. I think it's a matter of growing up. Kids sometimes force the issue, but people age at different rates.

Polly, it sounds like M isn't terribly mature in some ways - namely being able to take your needs into account. I'm sorry you're having a rough time with the friendship changing. While I do think I'm lucky because my two best friends are so close, I was stunned at the number of people who dropped me outright when I was pregnant with my first. There were definitely some immature responses. One girl forwarded my email announcing my pregnancy to some ex-friends who hated me and then never spoke to me again. That was fun. It seems like some people are pretty self absorbed.