Am I overscheduling my daughter to make me feel like being a SAHM is more of job?

[Polly]

Sorry about the title. This week has been absolutely crazy. I signed up for Mom and Baby Yoga (once a week) and Parent and Baby Swim. (Unfortunately, I didn't realize it was twice a week.) :banghead So now I have 3 classes a week until the week after next. :shakehead Monday I decided to take advantage of MIL in town so I took both cats to the vet. (They've been avoiding me since then.) Yesterday, one cat (Lillith) had to go back to vet to have 3 teeth pulled. (She is now hiding under the crib and hisses when I walk in the room. I'm sure she'll pee on my bed as soon as the clean sheets are out of the dryer. She's evil that way.) Today I also had my La Leche meeting. It went for two hours and I've been asked again to consider becoming more "active" aka training for leadership. (I'm considering it although they won't approve of Elizabeth getting the occasional bottle of formula-hey, they can :bite me it's not poison!)

The question is, why am I doing this to myself? Or better yet, why I am experiencing an odd feeling of job satisfaction through my exhaustion? I keep thinking of what Betty Friedan theorized in "The Feminine Mystique." SAHM create tasks or make parts of the chores/responsibilities more complicated and longer in order to create a feeling of job satisfaction that would heighten their sense of self esteem. Freidan said that being a SAHM usually lowered one's sense of self esteem by not providing a universally recognized tangible reward like a paycheck or a good performance review. (Yes, I'm well aware of the common response to that thought-"My children's well being/education/health/care ARE my reward. I just don't get an actual paycheck." I agree with this and have said it many times.) Anyhoo-Friedan went on to say that this is why many SAHMs take classes with their children, volunteer, go overboard on buying household cleaning supplies/gadgets, take longer cleaning, etc. I never really thought most moms still did this-hey, this book was written in the 50s-until it happened to me this week.

Time for bit of schedule pruning. Is this happening to you? Do you think Betty Friedan was right?

Polly

[Tamika]

It didn't happen to me, only because I kept having babies! LOL LOL LOL There just wasn't time for classes when you had a toddler, a baby in a sling and a bun in the oven! All with a husband who worked shift work and wasn't able to be there for regular classes.

That being said - a lot of that does make sense especially if the SAHM was a working professional career woman. To switch any career takes an adjustment and when you're used to being in the world conversing with other adults - its a major change to be at home talking baby talk. I know that I'm sometimes desperate for a conversation with Rob when he gets home - just as long as he doesn't talk back! LOL


Oh, and the cleaning supplies?? That's me.

[Jo]

Yes and no. I do think we struggle for something to make our days a tangible success. Though if great cleaning products make me a success, then I win. I own them all-getting me to use them is another story.LOL

I often feel that the over scheduling, introducing your kids to things, getting involved early comes down to the pressures we feel as parents for our children to succeed. I know I am not going to get this out right. But I do think it is an offshoot from the 80's where we could have it 'all' and be happy mentality. Well, we have started to figure out what we can't have it all if we work, have kids and try to be perfect a both. More of us are staying home when it is affordable. So to make up for that, our kids are now our productions. If we don't do the right things, get them in the right schools, push them to succeed, then we are the failures. I think sometimes moms are living vicariously through their children's schedules.

It's funny, I am trying to work out Mira's summer schedule so she will be happy but most of the activities I have to attend. I detest most of what she will be doing. I keep telling myself that I am scheduling this stuff because it is according to her interests. I really need to sit back and take a look at what she really will like(and I might still detest) vs what I might be scheduling to feel like I am giving her a 'leg up'.

[gr8mommy]

Not here, but I don't really sign my kids up for 'stuff'. I take one Mommy and Me ballet class with Fiona, the other two have swim lessons. When Fiona is three and can go in the water without me, she'll get swim lessons too.

I don't like to overschedule my kids-- I find it annoying and aggravating to be running around all the time. I think it is more important that they find ways of occupying their own time, and I also think unstructured down time is one of the most underrated ways of allowing kids to find their interests. I remember as a kid having long summer days where my mom would toss us out into the backyard after breakfast, call us to the picnic table for lunch, and then we were off again until dinner and bathtime. That's why I'm home, to offer my kids the chance to be kids in that way.

[Beka]

no because firstly we don't have the cash for classes (we live on a v.tight budget as my dh is a manual worker and our only income, we live in subsidised housing- you get the picture) and secondly 3 of my 4 kids are 3 and under- keeps me busy enough.

i do however volanteer at dd1's school and i'll freely admit i do this because i decided if sahm was going to be all i was for the best part of 2 decades i was going to be dedicated to my kids education and development. I also do it to ensure interaction with other adults :violin as it can be pretty isolating being a long term sahm

[Desirae]

Not for me, though I can definately see it happening for SAHMs esp those who had careers before having kids.

[Christine]

I think it is more important that they find ways of occupying their own time, and I also think unstructured down time is one of the most underrated ways of allowing kids to find their interests. I remember as a kid having long summer days where my mom would toss us out into the backyard after breakfast, call us to the picnic table for lunch, and then we were off again until dinner and bathtime. That's why I'm home, to offer my kids the chance to be kids in that way.

Couldn't agree more!

I didn't have a career before staying home, I had a series of jobs. Now that I'm homeschooling as well as staying home, I'm trying to keep it all as balanced as possible. I'd much rather they learn to entertain themselves then be in structured environments constantly.

[Beryl]

I'm totally with Polly on this. (Even down to the LLL critique.) I know and embrace that I want/need some tangibles. I was an honor student, AP classes, worked since I was 13, paid into Social Security since I was 15, have WAY too much education. To put this into more perspective, I'm only the 2nd HS graduate on my mom's side, so all of these achievements really meant something. It was an example of the American Dream come true.

So I have a kid and now I stay home, watch her smile and drool, love it... and sometimes feel horribly unproductive. I'm so lucky I can stay home but I fell I have to make it into something more. I don't have a lot of spare cash, so we do the neighborhood playgroup, an exercise class for me, a coffee/walk date with another mom... all weekly. As my DD gets more engaged, I'm thinking up more activities that will stimulate her. Monday's I pretty much fill up the week with engagements: visit to Omi, visit with Grammy... so that on Friday I can look back and feel like we did something.

I'm not ashamed of feeling this way. I think it's more destructive to pretend you are 100% satisfied with the SAHM thing and not face the demons that you miss work and/or are conflicted. I find I really really get frustrated with moms who are obviously miserable being at home but try to make like they are perfect Angels of the Hearth. It's more complex than that... and that should be fine to admit.

I was recently ranted at by an in-law for admitting the transition has been hard for me. "Stop it! It's all in your head! This is the best thing you will ever do! Stop thinking about it!" Spittle flying, frothing madness... Rabidity like that makes a lot of moms afraid to face and deal with the troubles they feel. Not healthy for anyone.