Wow, I feel really violated

[Tobye]

I'm having an issue right now and need a sense of perspective other than mine. Please help!

Yesterday morning when I got to work, I logged into Spiffy and noticed that I had last visited at 12:12am, which I found strange, because I was sleeping at 12:12am. This is the second time this has happened lately. Let me backtrack a minute by saying that my husband and I have had some trust issues in the past (on his part, not mine). For whatever reason, he has long suspected me of cheating on him. And no, I have never knowingly given him a reason to think that. Several months ago, I noticed that each time I was on our home computer and went to the "Favorites" section, the "history" was pulled up. Since I never really check the history, I found it odd, but not odd enough to really investigate. Yesterday morning, however, it all came together. He has been going on the computer at night looking at the history to see what I have been looking at. He has also been going into Spiffy and reading my posts. I'm sick about it. I feel that this is an invasion of my privacy and we spoke heatedly about it last night. He admitted to doing it, but did not see what the "big deal" was. He just wants to "know me" and felt this was the way to do it.

Is he right? Is it a "big deal"? If it isn't, then why can't I get past it?

[freebiemom]

I obviously don't know either of you but from reading this post, I think it is a big deal. He didn't tell you what he was doing but went behind your back. That's a big deal because it shows lack of trust. You said he has trust issues. Have you two thought of counseling to try and work out these issues?

I hope you two can work this out and move on. :hugs

[Lisa]

I think personally my problem about that would be that he was doing it so that you didn't know. He was trying to be sneaky about it. I don't blame you for being upset that he was looking into what you were doing online. I think counceling is a great idea if he will go along with it. I wish I had more advice for you.

[tidee]

i don't blame you for feeling that way tobe, but it could be he is feeling a distance just wants to know you better -- i mean where your mind is at.

i think its a measure of his insecurity. it is a lil' creepy though. it's up to you how you feel about it. tell him what you think (i believe you have already... lol).

if you need to, put your part of the computer under a password, or different account. a person does need their privacy. just stuff to think about.

[Kristen]

Hmm...have you been distant or anything lately? If that's not the case(like you've been having conversations with him and have offered him other ways to get to know you), then this would seem more like a trust issue.

If you've been distant, though, perhaps it's less of a trust issue, and more of a desperate move on his part to know and understand you more. Could he possibly be feeling shut out or something?

:hugs and I hope you can get to the true root of why he did it, and hopefully work it out. And I hope that he is respectful of your wishes as far as privacy goes from now on.

[Tobye]

Thanks guys!

We had an issue several months ago where he was reading my e-mails without my knowledge. He read one where a friend and I were commiserating on husbands and got upset. He claimed that he was only reading the e-mails because he had sent me one and was checking to see if I got it. I changed my password and a few weeks later, he tried to get in again. Of course, he couldn't and asked me to tell him my new password. I wouldn't, and he said that he thought he could figure it out. I said okay, whatever, and a few days later he came to me and said "I give up, I can't figure it out, will you tell me?" I said that he needed to think about WHY he felt like he needed to know it and if there was a good reason, I would tell him. He couldn't come up with one. So to my knowledge, the subject was dropped. Then this came up....:thumbsdown:thumbsdown

[Christine]

I can see that point but if he wants to know you better, he should engage YOU, not snoop around at your internet haunts. It's not any different, imo, than following you when you go out with your friends.

I'm of the opinion that anything put out on the internet is public knowledge. I don't put out anything that I wouldn't want Dave to see. But, at the same time, it would be sneaky and deceptive if he was searching out my internet presence without my knowledge.

[Tamika]

I second Christine. I was trying to formulate an answer and read hers - it was my answer already formulated.

I hope you're able to work this out. It definately is something that has to be worked out since its not a 'one time' thing.

[Sam]

I would be a little pissed off yes. I would also see it as a huge warning sign that something in our relationship needs to change.

I hope you figure out exactly why he feels the need to snoop. Hugs!

[kcmomma]

:hugs I totally would be upset too.. It's one thing for him to want to know you better, and I totally understand the need to go somewhere or have someone where you can sound off and get total support.....good luck!

[Beka]

Yes I'd feel upset, I'm entirely open with David, I have no issue with him reading spiffy, facebook, my email but I would take issue with him sneaking ans hiding the fact because that suggests a mistrust and that would hurt. Like Christine says, similar to following me on outings without telling me in advance.

I'd be hurt because I would willingly answer thruthfully anything he ever asked and the dact he snooped would suggest he didn't believe what i told him.

If he didn't feel he knew me anymore I'd expect him to tell me to give us both chance to address the issue

[Lori]

:squeeze I'd feel totally violated if Sean logged into any of my accounts. I had virtually no privacy growing up--my mother had no problem searching through my room even if she had no reason to distrust me--and I have major privacy issues now. Sean knows this, and I would feel very betrayed if he were to go behind my back and do something like that.

It wouldn't bother me if he were to come onto Spiffy or make his own account and read what I've written because, like Christine said, it's a public forum. But I'd consider logging into my account a totally different thing, and that would bother me a great deal.

I hope you guys can figure this out.

[Joy]

I think that he needs to respect your privacy and what he did is not right. I'm sorry to say this but if he is having trust issues - what is he doing that would make him feel paranoid about what you might be doing? Does that make sense? From my experience, the person who is trying to figure out what the other person is doing, has some baggage of their own. How would he like it if you did that to him? Maybe you should, just to see what the heck is going on with him?

Trust is one of the most important things and if you have given him no reason not to trust you, I would suggest having a serious conversation about how you feel.

Recently, my hubby searched through my phone. I found it comical because he did it right in front of me. I recently started text messaging and he wanted to read them. They were mostly work related. I think he was feeling a little insecure because I haven't been the most affectionate.

You need to get him to give you real answers to why he did this. You cannot get to know someone by reading their posts on a forum.

I hope you do get some answers because it really isn't right for you to feel like you cant trust him and you have to change passwords.

Sorry this happened with the two of you but you know him, so when you talk about it you can tell if he is being honest with you or not.

Joy

[Danielle]

:hugs. I'm sorry that he did this. I agree with Christine, it's the sneakiness of it that would bother me.