Friendships

[Joy]

When is it time to give up on a friendship? We have all had those friends that we can see the good in but time after time we ask ourselves do we get anything from the friendship?

So when is the right time to decide not to continue a friendship?

I have been taught to reach out to others but sometimes I get caught up in trying to be the good friend and find the relationship is toxic! Anyone have this experience when your the listener, giver, shoulder to cry on, etc...

[Jbird]

Sure. Sometimes a relationship you're in can be damaging to you. I've found that rather than "end" the friendship, it's best just to make a personal decision to move on. If the relationship is hurtful to you, you sometimes do have to make the decision to not put so much energy into it. It can be a really difficult thing to do, but I have just made the mental decision to move on to other relationships. Sometimes, the old friendship falls apart, other times it begins to fulfill again, and other times, it will stay there, just not be my focus for a while. Maybe down the road it will become a closer relationship again. Maybe not. I'd rather avoid the conflict and just stop putting so much of my energy into a relationship that doesn't give back something positive to me.

I guess sometimes, though, you might actually have to take the affirmative step to end a friendship. I'm not sure I've ever actually done that. I've just moved on.

[Danielle]

Sure. Sometimes a relationship you're in can be damaging to you. I've found that rather than "end" the friendship, it's best just to make a personal decision to move on.


I guess sometimes, though, you might actually have to take the affirmative step to end a friendship. I'm not sure I've ever actually done that. I've just moved on.

Me too. IMO, the way you know it's time to move on is when you are no longer benefiting from the relationship in any way.

[Kristi]

I agree with what Danielle said. I have been there a few times . I usually don't "end" it per say but just distance myself from that person and spend less and less time with them.

[Lori]

I think that's a really hard one. I think it's easier when two people just grow apart, because then it's pretty mutual. It's harder in other cases.

My best friend from high school moved in with us during college, and it was very hard. She was going through a very difficult time, and had a very serious eating disorder and was in a lot of destructive relationships, and I really had no idea how to respond. She wasn't in a position where she wanted help, and I was in a position where her behavior seemed selfish and melodramatic and was driving me insane. Looking back, I could have responded better, because I pretty much just shut her out. I felt like, she didn't want to face what was going on, her behavior was driving me crazy, so it was better to just walk away. I don't know how I should have handled the situation, but I've never been happy with the way I did. I guess what I regret is feeling like I basically closed the door on the friendship, rather than creating some boundaries but still making it clear that I was there for her.

I think that, for me, a big part of the problem is that I'm terrible at setting boundaries with people. I don't like having to say no, or having to get into a confrontation, so if that seems like it's going to happen, I'm more likely to just walk away entirely. But I think that in many cases of "toxic" friends, things could probably be settled by having better boundaries and don't necessarily need to mean a total end to the friendship.

[Joy]

Thanks guys, guess thats what I needed to hear not to end a friendship but set some boundaries. It is hard to do that sometimes especially if you don't want to hurt the other persons feelings but if you have one of those "toxic" friendships that drain you emotionally then it really isn't worth it any more. Some personality types can be very hard to just set boundaries with but I guess thats part of growing as a person and standing up for your values and knowing when something is truly unhealthy for you. I am dealing with this right now and this friend I have still has some "maturing" to do and its hard for me just stand up to this person without causing hurt feelings. Currently just trying to figure out how to move on because I have been hurt by actions, words, and more from this person. No matter what I know about their struggles, I know a true friend doesn't blame you for their actions that cause their own pain.

J

[Christine]

I do think there's a difference between not benefiting from a relationship and actually reaping negative rewards.

With my closest friends, I absolutely "get" something in return, but I don't stay friends with them because of that. There are people in my life that I get absolutely nothing from, but I still love and care about them so I still reach out to them. But when a person starts becoming toxic, you really do have to pull the plug.

There is one woman I know who is a compulsive liar. I like the rest of her family, but I am SO over her lies that I had to push away from her for awhile. Now that I've had some distance, I realize that she really needs to have friends in her life. I have to keep a wall up to keep myself from being hurt, and be constantly aware of her ability to lie about anything. But I also can't just turn my back on her so I've tentatively started to reach out to her again.

I think each case is different. Some people you can walk away from and some you just can't - not for long anyway.

[Beka]

Christine has an excellent point about the difference between friendships that you don't get anything from but are still hugely worth while and relationships that are actively negative, fortunately I think it's rare we find ourselves in the latter situation though.

I've had quite a few friendships where we've mutually drifted, I have one where I actively made a conscious effort to distance myself from that person because I realised they kept me as a friend purely to give themselves someone to feel superior to, it was a friendship I'd held dear since high school but looking back had constantly been the ego boost for this particular person and then one day when we ran into each other and he asked what i was doing and rather that congratulate me on our 3rd pg I got a "Ohh" and then a "Ohhh god" and a smug chuckle when I told him what David was doing for work i realised it was time to stop trying to be good enough to fit with someone I'd once been just fine for but when he moved on in life he suddenly became above me... I have no regrets over actively distancing myself there.

At the moment I am actually in a phase of going through and looking at relationships I valued that have ended and considering why and it's led to me rebuilding a few old bridges when I realised it was trivial reasons or other people that caused the friendships to break down... my best girlfriend from high school I lost because she didn't want to get involved with Davids friends- or a significant group of them- so we drifted, 12 months down the line we'd realised how very destructive the friends that drove her away were and I'd lost that friendship which i am now slowly rebuilding... it's been a twelve year gap though.

[Joy]

I guess keeping them in your life doesn't have to hurt if you don't allow it but sometimes you forget what they can be like. I have had one friend in the past (over a year ago) then I realized they were a pathological liar and that is one thing I cannot tolerate. That was an easier relationship to walk far no run far away from.