MIL Madness

[saramarie11]

I don't know what to do. My MIL has done daycare for over 30 years. It was inevitable that once DH and I had kids that she would be the one to take care of them. Now it is not that I don't trust her because like I said she has been doing daycare for 30+ years, it is just that I knew that dealing with her would be difficult.

Let me give a little background of my experience with her. She is a very, hyper sensitive woman. You have to be very careful of what you say to her. She is always the victim... everyone is out to get her, she can never do anything right, etc, etc. She is watching our 3 month old while DH and I are at work.

So this is how this whole drama started. When Owen would get home he would be very crabby and would end up napping from 5 to 8 and then his whole night time sleep would be off. I had DH ask my MIL if Owen was napping while she watched him. She said maybe 15 minutes here 20 minutes there. So we told her that we would like him to have at least one good 2 - 2 1/2 hour nap. She said she would try but you are supposed to keep babies up during the day so they sleep at night. Owen needs a good nap in order to sleep good at night, and I told her this, not sure if she believed me though.

So then, I noticed Owen was a little constipated. After talking with the dr we thought maybe it was because we were using tap water for his bottles and she was using bottled water. The dr said each was fine by itself but you shouldn't switch back and forth. Babies tummies are very sensitive and it could cause constipation or diarrhea. So we relayed this info to MIL and she basically told us our dr was crazy. Well, we got her to use regular tap water and lo and behold Owen's constipation went away.

Now the latest, DH called her today to find out the last time he ate so I could time my trip to the grocery store and she said that he ate at 11:30 and then again at 1:45. At home we feed him every 3 hours, you could almost set your watch by when he wants to eat. It does vary by a little from time to time but typically it is every 3 hours. DH has told MIL this. So when MIL told DH what times she fed him and it was only in 2 hour increments he asked why and she said he was fussy. Just because he is fussy doesn't mean that he is hungry. He doesn't nap over there so I am guessing that is why he is fussy. MIL got upset that DH told her she shouldn't just stick a bottle in his mouth every time he fussed and said if I am not doing a good enough job then maybe you should take him to his other grandma or to her (my) sister.

So I don't know what to do??? Are we being way too anal about things? Are we over reacting? What do I do? Putting your child in daycare should not be this stressful, especially with grandma. She keeps saying stuff like well this is how I did it with you and your brother and you two turned out fine. But the way I see it is.... you did things how you wanted with your own children... shouldn't I be able to do things the way I want with mine?

Sorry if this is confusing....


Any advise welcomed. Please let me know if DH and I just need to chill out or if MIL is out of line?

[Christine]

It's got to be very difficult to have the lines blurry between daycare provider and MIL. I've never been in this situation, but we have encountered similar attitudes from grandparents not understanding their roles.

As far as I'm concerned, I'M the parent of my children and - like it or not - I make the decisions about how they're going to be raised. If we're talking about an occasional babysitting experience where the baby comes home grumpy and spoiled, that's one thing. But if she's watching him every single day and isn't working WITH you, then she's only making your life, and the baby's more difficult. It's not her job to raise him, but to comply to your wishes. You are, after all, her employer in this situation, not just her DIL.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive about this. You have the right, as his mother, to decide how he should be raised. You're not asking for outrageous things. You're basically just working against her old wives' tales. I would have your DH talk to her very firmly (since it IS his mother) and if that doesn't work, find other childcare.

[Kristi]

I don't think you are being over sensitive. You are his mother and it is your right to make the decisions for him with your partner and not anyone else. I would be pretty upset about it too. I would just talk to her about it. (Or have DH talk to her about it) and let her know how important these things are to you and how much it upsets you that she doesn't follow your wishes. Would she do this with the kids who aren't her grandchildren? (Not do what the parents want) If not I would point that out to her that it is the same thing.

If she continues to disobey your wishes for your child then I would find other childcare. It might upset her at first but in the long run it owuld probably make things better for all if you are not always clashing over these matters.

[Beka]

Could there be the possibility that she is actually looking for a way out without actually saying it? I think Kristi raised a good point mentioning how she wouldn't be like it with other children she minds, could it be a possibility that she felt obliged to make a childcare place for Owen being her grandson but in reality a newborn isn't all that compatible with the existing children she was already sitting for existing clients?

It could be that her mentioning your mother or sister is a hint that she's hoping you'll find an alternate provider so that she can seperate the roles of grandmother and childminder once again.

I also agree with Christine that it needs to be your husband to talk to her, if you talk to her it'll put you in evil DIL role and it can be very easy for mil to convince herself (and others) that your husband would never think that way and is only agreeing with you, where as if it comes from him direct then she might listen a bit more.

I had blurred boundaries with my mother on my eldest- I was very young when she was born (17 when pg, 18 when she arrived) and my mother was very set in how she did things with my sister and I, openly over-ruling my husband at times. We did eventually "have it out" with her about how we appreciated her support but we needed support, not control, eventually she got the idea of doing things our way and we have 4 now and she is fabulous about asking how we do things before she does them.

[Brooke]

I don't have time to write, I need to get ready for work, but I wanted you to know that I've read and I'm sending my :squeeze Hopefully I'll find some time on my lunch break to reply better.

[freebiemom]

I agree that this is your child and your daycare provider needs to respect and abide by, as best she can, to your wishes. Is you son the only child she is now caring for? I think that maybe she is tired of this role and wants to retire and do other things. Or maybe she just wants to be grandma and not a daily caregiver.

But it could just be that she's set in her ways and that how she's handling your son is how she has done things for years with all the babies she kept. I'm sure it's hard because she is your MIL but you have to sit down with her (and I do differ on this and think it needs to be both you and DH) and set out excatly what you want and don't want done when it comes to your son. If she refuses to do things your way, that'll be your clue to find another caregiver.

[saramarie11]

[QUOTE=Beka;65450]Could there be the possibility that she is actually looking for a way out without actually saying it? I think Kristi raised a good point mentioning how she wouldn't be like it with other children she minds, could it be a possibility that she felt obliged to make a childcare place for Owen being her grandson but in reality a newborn isn't all that compatible with the existing children she was already sitting for existing clients?

I guess that this is possible, but before I went back to work she was saying she wanted to do it free of charge (which I don't like either, I feel if we are taking the spot in her daycare we should be paying her) because of all the work that DH does around the house for her. But maybe after she started she realized that it is not what she wants to do.... I don't know.

Thank you everyone for your responses and suggestions. DH is telling her when we want something done a certain way, but I think his approach is wrong. He can be very accusational (is that a word?? :)) So I think that this puts her on the defensive side.

On Monday night, DH talked to MIL on the phone and she said she had the chills and felt like she might be coming down with the flu. So on Tuesday morning when DH called her to check on how she was feeling and to find out whether Owen should be there (he just got over a cold and we didn't want him catching the flu) she kinda mocked him saying something along the lines of oh just because I am not feeling well you aren't going to bring him over now. Like we were silly for even considering not taking him.

She just frusterates me. You are just never sure if your words or actions will offend her. I hate having to worry all the time about pissing her off.

Sorry I don't mean to whine about it!! :violin

Thanks again for all your advice!

[Shana]

I know it will be excruciatingly difficult, but it's time for you to find a new daycare provider :squeeze

And no, a sick woman should not be watching an infant, unless that woman happens to be the child's mother ;)