Priorities

[Kristen]

I guess I'm thinking a lot about this lately...I posted a thread on Spicy Moms about this a few days ago. :p Anyhoo, tonight as I was doing dishes, I was thinking about how keeping my priorities in order could really help me see clearly to keep things in balance in my life.

For me, my top three priorities are serving God, serving Steve, and serving my kids, in that order. At least, that's what they should be. Sadly, I often don't live like those are my priorities. I haven't really had time to think about all the implications of this, but I thought of a few things this could clear up for me. I thought about my desire for a clean house, and how in many ways, that is a way to serve Steve and my children. A messy, cluttered house is no fun to live in. At the same time, though, it's easy for me to fall off the boat on the other side and make a clean house too high of a priority. This occurred to me as I was cleaning up the kitchen, and I wanted to take the kids' bags of Easter candy from my mil and dump them all into the communal treat bin in the cabinet. That would serve my purpose of having a clean, uncluttered counter, but it wouldn't really be serving my kids. So, I left the bags. :p

I also thought about how it could bring balance to the way I look at time for myself. If I spend all my time doing things for other people to the point where I have no time for nurturing myself leaves me in a spot where I'm not well enough to do a good job of serving Steve and my kids. On the other hand, if I spend all my time exercising and running off and doing things by myself, that wouldn't serve them either. So, I need to strive for the amount of alone time that will help me to serve my family the best.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. I just had sort of a light-bulb moment when I realized that if I look at these sorts of issues with a heart that wants to serve rather than one that wants to be served, I will be able to see more clearly and be able to avoid falling out of the boat on one side or another.

[Shana]

I understand:squeeze And, from what I've seen and read and know of you, obviously your priorities are straight. Really!! :D

After everything I have gone through (and, put myself through:rolleyes) the past several years, I really have no higher priority than my children and my husband right now. I know that serving God needs to be 1st priority (I really do know this :) ).... I just have to figure it out. I will figure it out. I hope!

I guess that, every action I take now, and nearly every thought that I think, is all about my kids these days. And although that is good, it makes me so so so sad, too -- because the days where all that mattered to me was working out, keeping in shape and looking great are not all that far behind me, and I am always mouring the precious, precious years that I lost to being completelly self centered:sigh

[Jo]

All I can say is thank you Kristen! Your post really helped Dave and myself reach a real talking breakthrough with what we are going through. For the first time in months we didn't feel like we were talking at each other.

[tidee]

i'm thinking you are kind of a compulsive person about needing everything in order for you to feel comfortable. i think there is a never-ending amount of ever smaller things that can need straightening up or out. and maybe you might be in a cycle of this. (i am not judging you in anyway kristen, and maybe i'm wrong -- it wouldn't be the first time :) ).

as long as your family are happy... are they happy? they know you love them, and they are in touch with God, i wouldn't sweat it.

maybe you can learn to take joy in chaos. i remember driving by some lovely topiary and telling my wife, 'isn't that beautiful.' and she said, 'i wonder if God thinks its beautiful.'

just something to think about. a forest, really anything in nature, is ordered, but also gloriously chaotic.

[Beka]

I find I improve in all areas of life if I stop, take stock and reorganise what it genuinely important to us as a family unit so what you're saying makes alot of sense to me Kristen, even though in my house David and the kids are on a par- I can't put either above the other, probably because I have no set guidelines advising me either needs to take priority, so they share a standing there.

For me it's about seperating what is genuinely important for our well being and what is only important because I am worrying about external pressures.

Good luck with it all, I agree, all too often we get bogged down with expectation that we forget our main priority should be the welfare of our families.

[Tamika]

I find I improve in all areas of life if I stop, take stock and reorganise what it genuinely important to us as a family unit so what you're saying makes alot of sense to me Kristen, even though in my house David and the kids are on a par- I can't put either above the other, probably because I have no set guidelines advising me either needs to take priority, so they share a standing there.

For me it's about seperating what is genuinely important for our well being and what is only important because I am worrying about external pressures.

Good luck with it all, I agree, all too often we get bogged down with expectation that we forget our main priority should be the welfare of our families.

ditto.
thankfully i agree because i have a 40lb kid on my lap!!

[Kristen]

Jo, I'm so glad that my rambling thoughts were helpful to you guys! LOL

Shana...I phrased my first post sort of poorly. I don't think that God and our children really need to be conflicting sorts of priorities. I see serving my husband and my children as sub-priorities of serving God. Serving God is the main purpose for my life, but there are lots of ways that I serve God, and serving my husband and children are two of the main ways I do that. And generally, serving them doesn't conflict with serving God.

I do think that if I was so busy taking care of them that I didn't regularly spend time alone reading the Bible and praying, then that would be a problem. But there again, that wouldn't really be serving them. Taking time to nurture my walk with God benefits them greatly, and so to get up in the morning to read my Bible and pray isn't just self-serving. Among other things, it's part of being a good wife and mom.

Beka...putting a husband and children on equal footing isn't a huge problem in my book. I'm more concerned about people who let their children take priority over their marriage...then when the kids leave, the husband and wife find that their relationship has nothing left. So, I guess I should say my main concern is to make sure that our children don't overrun our marriage. And unless you purpose to make your marriage a priority, I think the children will automatically overrun the marriage. It's the nature of children to be needy and to demand attention, so you have to work hard to make sure your marriage gets enough attention(because it's not as needy and demanding and loud as the kids are!).

[Beka]

I agree Kristen- I come from a mother who very much put my sister and I as a priority over my dad and when we both finally left home her and my dad have very little in common now, so much so my mother (I can see myself) actively seeks to fill the void by using my kids as a common thing they have because there is a big void.

I think the main difference is (David and I discuss this at length) David and I were friends first and foremost who eventually married- my parents however were 2 people who dated and then married- no real friendship, just dating based off meeting someone they "fancied"- so when children became the priority and the sparkle faded the kids filled that gap then we grew up and the gap was there. Where as David and I were friends first and foremost and we still have that even whilst we have the kids- even if we weren't romantically in love he's still a person I'd chose to spend time with. It is a subject we talk alot about, especially as my parents marriage does occasionally seem entirely held together by stubborness at not letting my nan be right and divorcing!

[Joy]

I was reading your post and thought the same way, however.... if you don't make yourself a priority and take care of your needs its hard to take care of everyone else. I think parenting should be 51% and 49% and housework - well whoever can clean should but it shouldn't be a priority. Chaos I think is part of all of our lives and we should learn to live with some disorganization. A clean house doesn't necessary mean a happy one but some times its nice to wake up and have everything in its place. It took me a long time to learn that. I look back at my videos when my kids were little and think - who was that person that exhausted themselves cleaning that house. Now that the girls are older (8 and 10) they have chores but I have stopped complaining about how messy the house is.

Ok - what is my point? Clearly, you must take care of yourself and your own needs so the rest of the family sees that you value yourself too! Hope that makes sense.

[Kristen]

Sure, Joy, that's basically what I was saying in my first post. So yeah, I agree! I can serve my family by taking care of myself...I serve them by getting enough sleep, by getting my exercise, by getting my alone time with God, and so on. Of course, you can go overboard with taking care of yourself, but as long as you're doing it with the motive of being better able to serve your family, it's doubtful you'd go overboard.