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Does anyone ever feel that they do the majority of the upbringing of your children. My husband is a work-aholic and alot of resentment comes from that. A little more about me and him. We have been married 13 years and together for 17. Sometimes, I just feel like going to get a little place of my own and then maybe he would realize its time to share the responsibility. I think hes a great father but his expectations of me are to high and we struggle with this monthly. Any suggestions on how we can get through some of these communications issues?
Thanks...Joy:yesmaster
Jbird
03-09-2008, 09:01 AM
I don't really have any good advice or suggestions for you, but I do go through this sometimes, too. I'm not really frustrated with it with Delaney so much - it's kind of an unspoken understanding we have, that I'll be home with her and do most of it, although I am working part-time, mostly from home, too. But DH does help out when I need him to most - taking Delaney with him if I'm sick or can't find a sitter when I have court, getting up with her on a weekend morning if I'm just exhausted, etc.
I struggle a bit more with all of the upbringing I do for Taryn. It may just be that her age, 11, is a difficult one. But I feel like I do a lot of thankless work for her. This becomes a challenge when I do have to punish her for something, and then her mom finds out and calls to complain and bitch about it. I don't necessarily want the situation to change - I just get really frustrated sometimes.
What about going on mommy strike? I think someone on here suggested that one time.
I feel that way, but for different reasons. My husband is usually gone Sunday through Thursday for work, so I really AM doing it all on my own. Then, when he's here, he is not so big on the discipline. I feel like I'm the only one who tries to enforce any house rules and it gets really old, me being the heavy and he letting them do whatever they want.
Tobye
03-09-2008, 12:02 PM
I think, that, as far as we as women have come, we still do the majority of the childrearing. My husband helps more than some husbands I know, but it's still about 80/20 on most days, 70/30 on the best of days. But most men will tell you it's more like 50/50.
Christine
03-09-2008, 12:03 PM
I do feel like that often, especially with the daily stuff. I'm the one that's there when they're sick, getting ready for school, teaching, homework, meals, and all the day-to-day stuff. Now that they're becoming more involved outside of the home, I've got to figure all that out too.
For me a lot of the solution is in my perspective. When I stepped into this, I had no romantic notions of sharing the child rearing. I knew that I would be doing most of the actual work. But if I discount his influence I'm being very unfair. For one thing, Dave works like a dog for us and he carries the responsibility of the finances for that reason. There have been several times as a family when he's been out of work (once for 1 1/2 years) and I really became aware of how much he carries. If he didn't work so hard, I wouldn't be here in the first place. I also know that his influence with the girls is amazing. They have unconditional love from their daddy - something that I'm rather envious of. I try to assume that the daily stuff is going to fall on my shoulders and then I can be appreciative when I'm given a break and he takes on some of it. I've also found that he's much more willing to do that when I'm not expecting it or complaining about it.
Does anyone ever feel that they do the majority of the upbringing of your children. My husband is a work-aholic and alot of resentment comes from that.
I'm wondering if maybe the workaholic thing is the central issue? I know that, while I end up doing most of the childrearing, simply because I'm home most of the time, it really doesn't bother me in the sense of being annoyed with my DH (although it bothers me in other ways at times, when I feel like pulling all my hair out!), because I feel like he really works hard to be there for us. But, this has been an issue for us, because Sean is the kind of person who will put in 110% at work if he doesn't consciously check himself. And when I feel like he's putting work before our family, that does bother me. But, I also know that his putting in his 40 hours a week is why we're able to eat and have heat, so it doesn't bother me that most of the time during the week, I need to handle all the stuff at home. He knows, though, that it really stresses me out when he gets home late, and so he doesn't stay late unless he really has to now, which I appreciate a great deal.
So I guess what I'm saying is that, while it doesn't bother me that I have more childrearing responsibilities, it would absolutely bother me if my husband was a workaholic!
Kristi
03-09-2008, 03:52 PM
Yes I definetly do and I Don't think it is going to improve anytime soon since Tim will be going out to sea in the next year and a half. But i guess being a stay at home mom it would be hard for me NOT to be the one who did most of the childrearing since I am here with them more often than DH is. Sometimes, I get jealous that he gets "days off" when I never really get them. Like I will ask him to do something around the house and he will grump about it being his day off while I never get a day where I have no responsiblities at all. But I knew that was part of the bargain when I decided to be a SAHM.
If I'm understanding toyboxtime (I'm sorry, I didn't catch your first name!) correctly, though, she's not talking about housework. She's talking about actual childrearing. I, too, expect to do things like the kids' laundry and feeding them and all that because I'm the one who's here the most. What I don't expect or accept is being the only one parenting even when we are both in the house. Now, in my case, there's an exception made for when dh is physically not here. But when he is here he had better be doing 50% of the parenting duties because was 50% responsible for creating the little monsters. ;) He doesn't get to check in and out over the course of the weekend as he feels like being responsible for them. He needs to be "on duty" the whole time he's here, just as I am. Again, I'm not talking about housework; I'm talking about disciplining, supporting, paying attention to, etc. That was where my first answer stemmed from. He's great at being here with them and such but I feel like he leaves the discipline up to me and I really wish we were on the same page.
Sorry if I'm totally misinterpreting the idea behind the thread! :o
I don't have this issue as much as many women do but I shall explain why i think we largely evade it... David works to live, not lives to work- he's always worked hard to support us but he's never put his own advancement in the work place above his place in our home as an actively involved father and I think that comes from the inadequacies of his own absent father.
When David is home the children gravitate to him, not me (except the baby who still views me as the food source, David as the entertainment LOL) he does a large % of the child related tasks when he is home from work, and he rarely works over because he'd rather have the time with the kids than the financial bonus. He'll bath them, read with them, help with homework, talk with them, play with them, brush hair.. anything that needs doing he helps.
As a sahm i do the majority of it in the daytime but I can't fault him in the hours he is home, he truly is a saint and I do appreciate how lucky i am!
I think a large part of why he is as he is though comes from 2 things- his own father being less than good and the fact when we conceived our first child we weren't really a couple, we weren't 2 people deciding to start a family- we were 2 people pregnant with the same baby which we both wanted to keep and so the agreement to keep her and attempt to raise her was a partnership of co-parenting more than a couple having a baby for the wife to raise... that must sound odd to alot of people but I really do think it formed the foundation for what is our very equal-parenting household. In the first few months I told him very clearly I am her mother, not yours, and he pitched in.
The only thing we really have a case of me doing the bulk-load of in reguards to the children is shopping for their essentials and school engagments. He has limited holiday time and so i attend most school function that are before 5pm alone, anything after and he attends too, but before that it's just me. Shopping for school uniform, clothes etc is largely me again due to flexibility of my time.
David also doesn't judge- he took 12 months working from home during which time he learnt that although he does a good % of the parenting the actual mental drain of being 24-7 with the kids is harsh and so he doesn't judge on that. He appreciates not many women cope day in day out SAHMhood with 4 children and still make the perfect housewife and so he doesn't expect it (possible because he fears for his own life if he implied i was slacking LOL)
Sorry if I'm totally misinterpreting the idea behind the thread! :o[/QUOTE] No your not misinterpreting.
If I'm understanding toyboxtime (I'm sorry, I didn't catch your first name!) correctly, though, she's not talking about housework. She's talking about actual childrearing. I, too, expect to do things like the kids' laundry and feeding them and all that because I'm the one who's here the most. What I don't expect or accept is being the only one parenting even when we are both in the house. Now, in my case, there's an exception made for when dh is physically not here. But when he is here he had better be doing 50% of the parenting duties because was 50% responsible for creating the little monsters. ;) He doesn't get to check in and out over the course of the weekend as he feels like being responsible for them. He needs to be "on duty" the whole time he's here, just as I am. Again, I'm not talking about housework; I'm talking about disciplining, supporting, paying attention to, etc. That was where my first answer stemmed from. He's great at being here with them and such but I feel like he leaves the discipline up to me and I really wish we were on the same page.
For all of you who didn't catch my name it is Joy. I just use toyboxtime because its my business name. Actual the thread is about discipline, support, paying attention etc. I get frustrated because not only do I have to handle the discipline but my girls always feel that Im the mean mommy and daddy is so nice. My daughter is 10 and my other daughter is 8. The 10 year old is giving me a run for my money. Some days I just want to pack up and move out for a few days and see how things run. I love my kids more than anything but alot of it is thankless work. Yes most of the issue is the workaholic husband who has to earn money so we can have things but I would prefer normal working hours and spending quality time together. We have been together 17 years and gone on vacation just twice with the girls. Very sad.
I wanted to say I read all the responses here and it feels good to have the support of other moms. I am glad I found spiffymoms. Thank you to all who responded to this thread!!!
Joy
Sorry if I'm totally misinterpreting the idea behind the thread! :o
Ahhh I have a ten year old girl- i get the feeling that 10 is the start of the "fun" age.
With discipline our general ruling is my word goes as i am with the kids the majority of the time and it's his job to back up what I say, however major issues we discuss how we'll handle them and we both are on the same page in terms of expected behaviours and manners etc. It would entirely drive me to distraction if he didn't back me up and was always the "nice" parent who gave in after i'd laid the law, that would under mind me and massive impact the level of respect/courtesy the kids extend to me.
SabrinaJL
03-10-2008, 07:51 AM
I get it. My husband is in the navy, so I get to do the single parent thing a lot (we have a 14 year old daughter). But when he IS here, he really doesn't tell her much of anything or enforce rules. His thing is that he's gone so much and he doesn't want her to be mad at him when he's home. So I get to be the bad guy all the time. :rolleyes It's pretty damn irritating.
To be fair, he does do a lot of stuff with/for her. He just tries to avoid anything unpleasant.
Danielle
03-10-2008, 08:37 AM
I feel that way sometimes, especially with our daughter. I think dh expected a perfectly well behaved "Daddy's Girl" and well, she's a normal 9 year old LOL. I feel like sometimes he just wants me to "fix" her and make her sweet and loving instead of emotional and crabby. He is much more involved in discipline etc. with David, but I think that's more of a comfort level issue with him as the boy stuff is more familiar.
Tobye
03-10-2008, 11:55 AM
But when he is here he had better be doing 50% of the parenting duties because was 50% responsible for creating the little monsters. ;) He doesn't get to check in and out over the course of the weekend as he feels like being responsible for them. He needs to be "on duty" the whole time he's here, just as I am. Again, I'm not talking about housework; I'm talking about disciplining, supporting, paying attention to, etc.
This is how I interpreted it too. My hubby tends to "check out" when he's at home, especially evenings and weekends because he knows that I am going to be tending to whatever needs to be going on, dinner, homework, laundry, etc. The problem is, I'm not a SAHM, I work full time, actually longer hours than he does, and still come home and am responsible for running the house. That's where it gets frustrating. Last week I had the flu and still had to drag my sick self downstairs to make sure my daughter did her homework, lunches got packed, sleeping bags for daycare were washed, etc.
Sometimes its just how we grow up that molds us to who we are. My hubby is a great man and would probably give his shirt to anyone who needed it. We both have large families so the generation gap is huge. We are both 40 years younger than our parents. He is the youngest of 7 and I am the 2nd to youngest of 8. Life is so much different now when we grew up but both are fathers worked hard and we both learned that. Our mothers stayed home and raised the kids. However I have learned over the years that it is really hard to stay at home all the time. I commend those who do and raise their babies! Its just not me, I have tried. I didn't mean for the post to sound like he never helped its just I forgot sometimes he is a man and we just don't think on the same wavelength. Thanks for all your replies.
Joy
OOPs I am only 37 years younger than my parents. (Not 40 yet) :yes
Faith
03-16-2008, 01:45 PM
I get it. My husband is in the navy, so I get to do the single parent thing a lot (we have a 14 year old daughter). But when he IS here, he really doesn't tell her much of anything or enforce rules. His thing is that he's gone so much and he doesn't want her to be mad at him when he's home. So I get to be the bad guy all the time. :rolleyes It's pretty damn irritating.
To be fair, he does do a lot of stuff with/for her. He just tries to avoid anything unpleasant.
This is exactly how it is here too!! He is always the good guy while I am the one that does the boring day to day stuff.