Do you think attachment parenting is bad for the parents' relationship?

[Kristen]

I saw this question raised by an APer a few years back, as she was starting to feel like the constant attention she was giving to her daughter was negatively affecting her relationship with her husband, and I was curious what you all think.

I'm not an APer(quite the opposite oftentimes!), and a main reason I don't do a lot of the things associated with AP is that it would have a negative effect on my marriage(things like co-sleeping, or a more extreme version of that, like having my children in my bed with me and my husband on another bed in another room, thinking that it's bad to leave them with someone else, to say, go on a date night or go away overnight).

But, it's possible those things would negatively affect our marriage because we're not committed to AP and all that comes with it.

[Sam]

Ahaha me and Tom have this debate. He doesn't want to co sleep because he thinks it is OUR bed and OUR bed only. It is important to him to have me in bed and not having to share me with Jasmine during the night when she is sleeping. He thinks it is the only time we really get to cuddle so he doesn't like the idea of having a baby in between us.

Now I love co sleeping,I done it with the boys,I think it HELPS with security and I just love it. We have came to a compromise. I have her in bed with us when she is sick or when she will not settle but every night I aim to get her to sleep in her crib. It is a fair compromise.

I think it can affect a marriage but only if one of them does not agree with the practice. If one is against it then compromise is in order or it will affect the relationship.

[Polly]

Depends. We do co-sleeping (and yes that is getting in the way of getting some nookie. Although, it's getting better-la, la, la!:eyebrow ) I think it's how you define AP or practice it. For instance, I couldn't do the sling-I've had lower back problems since a work accident when I was 17. But that does not mean I didn't spend the first 3 months carrying Elizabeth around.

Polly

[Beka]

I am fairly AP- i guess you could call me "ap lite" :giggle as we co-sleep at their will, babywear, non-physical discipline etc etc I guess only associated things i'm not doing this time around is cloth diapering- so actually yes, probably got more ap each child as for us it's been more practical and so i will be the first to raise hands and say yes i have seen it damage many relationships when spousal jealousy has set in or a mother has been unable to leave any room for anyone other than the baby to share her time.

For us that has not been an issue, probably owing alot to personality- i can see it's sucess at being a happy relationship & aping would vary signficantly on personality types, family schematics and also the partners willingness to ap in the first place- David has been very open to anything that makes life easier and for us babywearing, bfing, reasoning with the kids is all easier in the sense it takes us to our goal of where we want them to be as adults much more directly and things like the babywearing have a very practical side to them for me having to deal with 2 small preschoolers as well as a baby.

David is very easy going and possibly the fact we were never a couple alone before we were a couple with baby helps with that- he has never had my undivided attention without there at least being a baby on the way, he's learnt that everyone has a place in my heart and my life and he too often puts the kids before me, it doesn't bother me as their childhoods are short, our marriage will hopefully be long and we've many years ahead when it will be my time for him to be my main focus.

I don't think ap has to mean a spouse being pushed out- i can hold David's hand more babywearing than i ever could with a stroller, i can spend more time with him and less in the kitchen by BFing and not having to constantly make and wash bottles, I spend alot more time in bed with him as we don't have a nursery that i have to go in and out of and our evenings are much more settled because our way of "free choice" at bedtimes means all 3 older children will take themselves to bed without argument and sleep, we don't argue over discipline as we're both on the same track with it but i could see it may put an extremely large wedge in a marriage if heads butted over whether or not to ap and one parent was doing so reluctantly.

Also as an AP parent for me I am willing to leave my children at an age when they are secure enough to be apart from me as it's not about being with my child 24-7 it's about the way i interact with them when i am with them, and it is also a great deal about who i leave them with- i will only leave them with people they have a good attachment with (like my mother) but i have to say that would be the same ap or non-ap. Also we still get out and about a fair bit with just Loki and it doesn't change the nature of our time together having him there as neither of us would shut off from being a parent even if we were out exclusively just the 2 of us.

Some men do see more geared towards jealousy than others- i do think they would be the more posessive type of partner to begin with though who would have issue with their wife giving any area of life (career, hobby, children, her parents) significant attention timewise and i think for those men it just radiates as negativity towards ap.

I think a great deal of being a sucessful ap family is finding a balance, a balance you don't necessarily need as a ap mother but you do as an ap family because it would be just as easy for me as an ap mother to push out the older children as well as DH if i didn't make the effort to envolve all of us in our family ethos rather than ap being just about mom and baby.

[Lori]

I think it depends on the family. For us, cosleeping wasn't really a choice, but more the only thing we could do given Thomas' sleep habits, and it's certainly made it a bit more difficult for us to have sex at times, but in other ways I think it's made our family as a whole closer, because of our particular circumstances. If we had to ignore Thomas' screams for hours every night (and that's how long he used to scream) or days or weeks or months on end, I think that the stress would have had a much bigger impact on our relationship, and definitely would have made us less sensitive to and responsive to him.

On the other hand, I think that if you feel like you MUST follow every AP rule, then that alone will probably cause so much stress that it's going to have a negative impact on the family as a whole. I tend to think the same is true of other parenting methods, as well. A few women in the moms' group here followed the Ezzo method, and to me that just seems like making the parent a slave to the child's schedule, as opposed to make them a slave to the child's desires (which I do think strictly following AP can do).

So it's hard for me to say. Our relationship is much closer and better than it was before Thomas was born, but I'm not going to credit that to co-sleeping, obviously. I don't know what would have happened if we'd had a child who would go to sleep in their crib. Hopefully one day we'll be able to find out. ;)

I think that it's always hard to know if you made the right parenting choices. There are certainly times when I am in a "Damn that Dr. Sears to hell!" mood because I feel like following any AP advice gave me an incredibly whiny, clingly child. Other times, I feel like Thomas is so sweet and smart and funny that we must have done a whole lot right. I think that AP can certainly put so much pressure on parents to do things the "right" way that it can cause enough stress to negatively affect a marriage, but I think that any parenting technique can also do that.

[Val]

We did maybe like one tenth of AP, so I can't fully say for sure but what we did do didn't make it any harder on our marriage.
Cailin was a co-sleeper when she was a baby, and still does some nights. I don't feel like it's affected my marriage but it sure affects my sleep and my back pain in the mornings LOL
Brayden was a sling baby, although not exculsively "baby wearing" and he was only bf'ed but I don't feel like those hurt our marriage in any way.

[Jo]

I think any sort of parenting that alienates your partner is problem. I don't think APing is the root of the problem. I think is the way the couple approaches parenthood, and most especially the mother, that is the problem.

Dave and I consider ourselves APers. We don't follow any strict rules about how we parent though and AP purists wouldn't think we are. But we do extended BF, cosleep, baby carry(carry because I end up carrying them because I hate wearing them). But more importantly we try to be in tune with what our children need emotionally and developmentally and respond appropriately to that.

Our relationship did suffer when Rai was a baby but not because of APing. I was determined to do it all and it did shut Dave out. Then I was so exhausted I was angry that he wasn't doing more. Since then we have learned how to balance "US" vs "Them".

[Jejune]

Attachment parenting has somehow come to have these fairly strict guidelines, when the theory is supposed to be that you follow the child's lead in parenting them. Thus, even though AP encourages co-sleeping, if it wasn't working for your family, it wouldn't be AP to push it and continue.

Anyway, that said, no, I don't think attachment parenting is a problem, if it is practiced as a theory rather than a set of rules. I tend to agree with Jo on this one - it's the couple, not the method of parenting.

[Erika]

i'm another one who believes that it isn't the method of parenting but rather the couple. We AP and the odd time I'll feel martyred from the breastfeeding and baby wearing and wish that James was pulling his weight more. But of course he is in other respects. In all honesty though, AP helps our marraige more because it makes me a much more relaxed and confident parent and does so too for James since he feels needed and wanted. Sasha only has the odd bad night (like last night) and James enjoys snuggling up to her at night when she doesn't settle well and ends up sleeping on him (she won't settle close to me because I smell of milk LOL).

[Mary]

I only think it's a problem if both parents aren't on the same page about it. If everyone is happy having the kids co-sleeping (or whatever!) then I can't see how it would be detrimental. It's only if one parent is for it and the other is resentful of it that it brings on issues.

[Tamika]

Ditto the other gals in the fact that its a problem if both parents aren't on the same page. Jo said it sooooooo very well (yep = attack of the cybertwin again! ) and Beka too said sooo many things I was nodding my head to.

[Shasta]

Taj (our first) is the only one we co-slept with and we did with him until he was 2 1/2. It didn't affect our relationship at all. We didn't co-sleep with Gavin, but that's because HE didn't want to, he would only sleep in his crib. We're not with Jonah either, just because he is doing fine in the crib too. Although if he gets fussy and won't settle in the crib, we do put him in bed with us and we're both fine with that.

[JoMama]

For us, AP (we cosleep, ebf, gentle-ish discipline, babywear) has required us to put extra effort into our relationship. Every so often we do have to say, "hey, it's been too long since we had any time to ourselves", and make a conscious effort to re-connect, but as long as we are cognizant of it, it doesn't become a problem. It helps that my mom and dad live just a few minutes away, and they have my older ds over at least once a week for play time and dinner w/ Grammy and Grand-Dad. Those evenings, I put the baby to bed early and we have dinner, talk, relax... *ahem*, etc... ;)

So, I guess my answer is that the potential for relationship damage is there, but can be combatted w/ a bit of flexibility and creativity.

[Desirae]

For us it would be bad. We need that time for us as a couple, however I can see that it works out perfectly for other families.