View Full Version : Spinoff: Being included in a wedding party
Something Val said on Beka's thread made me want to ask this.
What are your own personal views on being asked to be in a wedding party? Do you find it a very high honor, something that means the world to you and that you'd hate to miss? Are you flattered, but not overly-sentimental about it? Or do you find it ends up being kind of a pain? ;)
This was Val's post:
Older brother asked younger brother to be in the wedding party but only IF he cut his hair. He also told his best man he could only be in the wedding if he quit drinking and got a job.
It got me to thinking about the whole subject. Perhaps it's just me being a misanthrope but I do wonder if the people getting married have an overinflated sense of how important their friends view being in the wedding party. They do this, "Well, you can be in the wedding party but only if you do x, y and z," as though the friend's entire existence has hinged on being a bridesmaid/usher for this particular person and the friend is waiting with bated breath to find out exactly what he/she must do in order to be deemed worthy of this high honor.
My view (and, again, this might be my unromantic and unsentimental self) is, eh, I could take it or leave it. Of course I'd be flattered if someone asked but I'm more of the school of thought that I'M doing THEM a favor, not the other way 'round. Because, really, asking someone to be in your wedding party is asking a lot of them. They have to pay for their own clothing (traditionally), pay to throw you a shower (or whatever), pay for their own travel expenses, possibly take off work (more expense), and commit a certain amount of time. So my feeling is that the bride/groom should be honored that the attendants said yes, not that the attendants should grovel in gratefulness at being included.
I have been Maid of Honor twice and I was definitely honored at having been included BUT it was a lot of work on my part. I was unemployed at the time and still threw a bridal shower, for pete's sake. I think if either of the girls had put some caveat on my being included I'd have told them where to shove it. :giggle That takes a lot of nerve to essentially say to someone, "You may have the honor of spending hundreds, or possibly thousands of dollars doing me a favor but only if you change something that has absolutely no bearing on the amount of affection we have toward each other." ;)
Of course I'd be flattered if someone asked but I'm more of the school of thought that I'M doing THEM a favor, not the other way 'round. Because, really, asking someone to be in your wedding party is asking a lot of them. They have to pay for their own clothing (traditionally), pay to throw you a shower (or whatever), pay for their own travel expenses, possibly take off work (more expense), and commit a certain amount of time. So my feeling is that the bride/groom should be honored that the attendants said yes, not that the attendants should grovel in gratefulness at being included.
I completely agree. I do think some people may estimate how wonderful being in their wedding is a bit too highly. It does seem to me that it's the bride and groom who should be grateful for having the attendants accept, and not the other way around.
When we got married, I only had my sister as an attendant, and let her wear whatever she wanted. We had the friends we wanted to include in the ceremony do readings, so that they wouldn't need to spend money on new clothing or anything. I do feel like it would have been something of a burden on them to have asked them to buy bridesmaids' dresses, and it definitely would have been a big burden if they'd had to travel.
For me, if I had a lot of extra money and time to travel, I would be very pleased to be asked to be in a good friend's wedding. But, having a limited budget and a small child to lug around, at this point it would honestly be more of a burden than an honor.
kcmomma
01-08-2008, 10:29 AM
I think it depends on who it's for...I was TOTALLY honored and involved when I did it for my sister, but felt more unattached for the friend
Honestly, it is an honor but one I would don't not have time for anymore. I actually had to bow out of Polly's wedding because of Rai's health and Mira's age.
I firmly believe that if people have the money for it, they should buy the bridesmaids clothes and pay for their accommodations. My parents could afford that so nobody in my wedding party had to pay for much. What they did pay for was their choice. I also didn't want a bridal shower so I made things really easy for them.
My brother had finally gone to rehab about 5 months before our wedding. Until that point, we hadn't even asked him to be in the wedding because we didn't know what kind of havoc he would have wreaked. Once he was sober we did make the stipulation that to be in the wedding he had to remain that way. I figure that it was fair since it was our day.
That's totally understandable, Jo. That's an extreme situation for which some rules must be laid down. That's something that could ruin the wedding for everyone, not just the bride and groom (someone getting drunk and unruly, I mean).
But the things like, "You can be in it but only if you get a haircut" seem so petty and arbitrary that it really annoys me.
Jbird
01-08-2008, 10:38 AM
I think it kinda depends on who is doing the asking. If it's a very close friend, I think it's an honor. But Daylon's been involved in so many weddings (in it, singing, or being DJ at the reception), that they really get to be a drag, especially when they're not for close friends, they expect to much, or they take advantage.
I think the people who were in our wedding were carefully chosen and valued the experience. I really tried to make it special for everyone, and other than dictating the dresses and picking the tuxes, I wasn't demanding at all.
But really, especially for weddings that involve a lot of travel and other expenses, I don't think I'd do it anymore if it wasn't a very close friend.
Oh, and that's another thing -- if the person being asked can afford to buy all that stuff then I think they should, as well. But there are lots of people who don't take that into account. They expect people to just pull the money out of thin air and don't take into account that it might be impossible for some people. For example, when I was the MoH one of the times I was, as I said, unemployed. My income was about half what it usually was (which wasn't very much to begin with) and yet I still threw the shower. I was trying to keep it fairly inexpensive, without being cheesy. The bride's mother (who knew I was unemployed) just kept adding guests to the list. They weren't even friends or family; we're talking people that the bride hadn't even seen or so much as said "hi" to since she was in elementary school. And yet she never offered to help with any of the expense, save for letting me have some leftover food from the bride's graduation party that was days before.
The reason I didn't have attendants at my wedding was because everyone who I'd have asked was on a limited budget and I felt they were incurring enough expense by just traveling to Vegas for the weekend for the wedding. I didn't feel it would be fair to put them on the spot by asking them to buy the dresses I'd have wanted them to have, and it wasn't really in our budget, either, so I just didn't have anyone.
freebiemom
01-08-2008, 10:43 AM
I've been a bridesmaid twice. First time I was really honored and so happy to be in my best friend's wedding. The second time I think I was only asked because 1: She needed an extra to make her bridesmaids even with the groomsmen and 2: I was her mother's brother's child so she felt she had to. I only said yes because I felt I had to. Didn't mean anything to be in that one.
I think it's reasonable to expect those in your wedding to not show up drunk or to act in a way that takes away from the couple and the ceremony but that's it. Hopefully you're asking them to be in your wedding because you love and are close to them and want them to share in your special day in a special way. So you should know who they are and not expect them to change for that one day to fit into your ideal of a perfect wedding.
Maggie
01-08-2008, 11:23 AM
My view (and, again, this might be my unromantic and unsentimental self) is, eh, I could take it or leave it. Of course I'd be flattered if someone asked but I'm more of the school of thought that I'M doing THEM a favor, not the other way 'round. Because, really, asking someone to be in your wedding party is asking a lot of them. They have to pay for their own clothing (traditionally), pay to throw you a shower (or whatever), pay for their own travel expenses, possibly take off work (more expense), and commit a certain amount of time. So my feeling is that the bride/groom should be honored that the attendants said yes, not that the attendants should grovel in gratefulness at being included.
I totally agree.
Christine
01-08-2008, 11:51 AM
When my sister asked me to be in her wedding, she said (jokingly), "Please don't get pregnant between now and June!"
Oops.
But she didn't disown me from the wedding. As a matter of fact, she's so understanding that she paid for my dress and the last minute adjustments to make it fit around my very poochy belly!
I don't think we asked anything of our attendants. We did expect them to pay for their tuxes and dresses, because we were paying for everything ourselves. We picked $40 dresses from Chadwick's of Boston though. :giggle
I do think it's an honor to be in a wedding, but I don't think anyone should be able to rule my life for it either.
Polly
01-08-2008, 12:22 PM
[QUOTE=Jo;52927]Honestly, it is an honor but one I would don't not have time for anymore. I actually had to bow out of Polly's wedding because of Rai's health and Mira's age.
I firmly believe that if people have the money for it, they should buy the bridesmaids clothes and pay for their accommodations. My parents could afford that so nobody in my wedding party had to pay for much. What they did pay for was their choice. I also didn't want a bridal shower so I made things really easy for them.
[QUOTE]
And we all really appreciated your parent's generousity!
Since Jo's was the only wedding I've been in, my expectations are pretty high on how a bride treats her wedding party. They are her friends; just because she is getting married she does not develop the right to become more annoying, more demanding, and just plain weird.
When I got married, I used my beloved Bridal Bargins book to find nice, non-puffball looking dresses in a color they could use again. Oh-and cheap. I went through an internet site that had label dresses at $125! So, all they had to pay for was their dress. I didn't care what kind of shoes, accessories, jewelry, etc. they had. I also paid for hair and make-up.
I was given a really fun (and slightly drunken, due to many Margaritas!) bridal shower and a very chill Bachelorette Party (at which I did not get drunk at). CJ came home from a Stag Night at a strip club, and then intense poker playing and barfed in the shower. HAHAHAHA!
I loved my weddding party. They were great (aside from one high maintenance friend who was unhappy being a bridesamaid for the bizillionith time and afraid that all of her friends were getting married and leaving her) and we all had fun. I had my oldest male friend as a bridal attendant and the kids I used to nanny were in the wedding as junior ushers and bridesmaid. Their mom conducted our ceremony.
Polly
The first time was for my brother's first wedding. It meant absolutely nothing. She asked all of her sisters, half sisters, step sisters, foster sisters, etc. etc. to be in the bridal party and wear something dark green. We didn't do anything except pictures, which I would have been in anyway.
The second wedding was for a close friend. We spent hours of time shopping with her (which was fun) and bought dresses ($200 I think) in this AWFUL style and color. Then she met someone else and the ugly dress is still in my closet to this day with the tags still on. Really, it's too ugly to sell or anything.
Needless to say I was a bit jaded by the third time I was asked. Luckily the bride was my best friend and I did end up feeling very honored. She was very understanding about time and money. She picked a color and we were able to pick out our own style of dress we were comfortable with, no rules about hair or anything. Not bridezilla at all.
I think if I were asked now it would be flattering, but nothing I would be sappy about. I would probably drop out of the wedding if I had the bride and groom going overboard by telling me to loose weight, get a haircut, etc.
It's tradition here that the bride buys the bridesmaids dresses and hires the male attendants outfits (actually it's part of why my sisters wedding is bugging me so much- it'd cost us around $15K to be there all in all and she was expecting us to find that- which is roughly a year of my husbands income)
I have to agree to be honest, now my own girls are more than flowergirl age (lets face it- Chase is at the age where people are stuck between whether she should be an older flowergirl or a junior bridesmaid) I actually feel pretty weird being asked to be in the "big dress" brigade- I was much, much more comfortable at my friend the squires wedding, he had Chase as flowergirl, David as bestman and just asked me to help his wife and do a reading- I didn't have to do the big dress thing, i still played an important practical role but i didn't have to be a visual centrepiece for anything, it was a nice way to be genuinely involved but out of the limelight- definately what i prefer as an adult and mother.
I guess my parents always assumed i would have my sister, my sister would have me- there's only two of us, our mom was an only child who has always clung to the hope of this rosey happy sister-sister-can't-live-without-you Enid Blyton style relationship existing but i think she under estimates what it can be like.
We chose my sister, his sisters, Chase and our bestmans girlfriend (who Chase was then his flowergirl) we then chose the bestmans brother, his eldest younger sisters partner, my sisters partner (even though we'd only met him weeks before) as our groomsmen. They were our friends, we just wanted them to play a part in it, not foot any of the cost, not do anything other than put on the outfit we provided (and they'd been happy with) and turn up to stand and smile or hand out order of service & direct elderly relatives.
His youngest sister when she married I was mom of 2 of the flowergirls and one page boy (who was running out every 2 minutes to be violently sick as she found out the day before she was pregnant with #4 LOL) I never assumed i'd be anything and i wasn't at all put out that i wasn't.
Kristi
01-08-2008, 02:59 PM
Well I have never actually been a bridesmaid. But I have been asked by best friend and then the wedding never happened. I do find it an honor but I think it depends on the manner in which it is done. I would be highly offended if someone gave me an ultimatum before being in their wedding party. Like the way I was wasn't good enough for them KWIM?
OH and I thnk a bride should treat her wedding party how she would any other time. Especially considering they are giving their time to be a part of her special day in a way that is important to the bride.
If the Bride can afford it i do think that at the least she could purchase the dresses if not more.
I am looking at Maia and I being in two different bridal parties within the next 18 months - but given that both brides are my sisters, I figure that's more than acceptable, and I do feel honoured by it.
Other than that though, I do think the given examples of attitudes that have nothing to do with a person's ability to fulfil the given roles are totally inappropriate.