Get my name right dammit!

[Jo]

Tis the time of year when I turn into a grinch! But please....how long have Dave and I been married...more than 8 years?

I don't blame the people who send us cards who don't really know. But when his family sends us cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. David .... I literally see red.

MY FRAKKIN FIRST NAME IS NOT MRS. DAVID and last I checked the only thing my last name had in common with his was the first letter.

The sad thing is the latest one came from someone of our generation. SHEESH!

[Lori]

Yeah, that's rude.

I always try to address mail to people the way their return address labels are worded. I don't understand why people insist on addressing people the way they feel like, instead of the way the person wants to be addressed. I hate addressing mail to Mr. and Mrs. Richard S when I send mail to my inlaws, because I just hate that convention, but that's how my MIL likes her mail addressed, so I do it. I don't understand why some people think it's totally fine to address somebody in a way that they never, ever use themselves.

[Kristi]

I am sorry. That would get frustrating. Especially from family members who know better. It annoys me a bit when Tim's family writes to Mr. and Mrs. Timothy C------ :rolleyes But whatever. My family usually writes Tim and Kristi C------ which I prefer much more. Atleast they use my NAME on the card.

[Polly]

CJ's family does this, too. I get mail labels with our last names on them. "The X and Y Family."
We also sign our Christmas cards this way.

It never fails to tick me off, as well.

Polly

[gr8mommy]

Since that is the appropriate ettiquette in addressing mail to a married couple who share a name it isn't a faux pas, but I can see why it would annoy you.

My mother in law insists on addressing mail that is for me only to Mrs. D F Lastname. I know it is proper, but it annoys the piss out of me. I've told her repeatedly not to do that, but she does it anyway. She even does gift subscriptions to magazines that way. I hate her.

[Jejune]

I have a double last name, but even Daniel doesn't get it right (he always refers to me by my maiden name) so I can't expect anyone else to. I still find it irritating when I get mail addressed to Daniel's last name only, when it's from his family in particular. They probably don't mean anything by it, but the chance that they're being passive aggressive gets me cranky.

[Lori]

Since that is the appropriate ettiquette in addressing mail to a married couple who share a name it isn't a faux pas, but I can see why it would annoy you.

I'm hoping this is one of those etiquette things that changes soon. I know that a lot of people use that rationale for doing it--it's the "correct" way to address mail to married couples--but I think it misses the point, which is that rules of etiquette are designed as a matter of politeness. Etiquette is made for people and not people for etiquette. ;) If somebody doesn't prefer to be addressed in a certain way, then addressing them that way is rude, whether it's "proper" etiquette or not.

It is confusing, because that means people are going to want to be addressed different ways rather than their being one way for everybody, but I feel like most families I know do a pretty good job of making me aware of how they prefer to be addressed, through things like address cards sent out after they are married, birth announcements, and their return address labels.

I can think of only a handful of people of our generation who prefer to be addressed as "Mrs. Their-Husband's-First-and-Last-Name." Since so many people seem to bristle at it, I would hope that etiquette catches up with the times sometime soon. ;)

Personally, I don't mind so much when people use just Sean's last name, instead of mine (which is hypenated), because I know that's confusing to some people, but I really don't like Mrs. His Name.

[ColleenC]

This used to piss my mom off too! Her and my dad shared his last name, but people used to call her and ask for Mrs. William C.... and she would say ever so politely"I'm sorry there is a MR. William C... her and a MRS. Gail C.... who would you like to speak with? LOL

[Mary]

I'm sure it was proper etiquette....in 1957.

You know I'm with you on this one, Jo. Every frickin'-frackin' year for the majority of a DECADE now I've included, in our family Christmas update letter, a note that all correspondence to me should be addressed to Mary B., as it's not only my preferred method of address but my legal name, as well (I did an honest-to-God legal name change). I STILL get "Mr. and Mrs. R. J." stuff, as well as other variations. And these are from people who get the letters year after year, who have NO excuse other than that a) they are blind and illiterate or b) passive-aggressively disapproving of my choice. For God's sake, I finally got my 70+-year-old Southern grandmother trained. If she can comprehend it then everyone else should, too.

People miss the point, too. It's not that I hate dh or his name and rail against being associated with him. It's not about the name; it's about the principle. I have asked for something very simple and people continue to completely disrespect me and my choices. I didn't ask for their opinions, veiled or not. I simply asked to be addressed by my legal name. To me it's exactly the same as telling someone, "I know your name is Betty but I really think you should be named after your mother, so I'm going to start calling you Jean instead of Betty" and then proceeding to do just that, no matter how much Betty protests.

[Danielle]

Since that is the appropriate ettiquette in addressing mail to a married couple who share a name it isn't a faux pas, but I can see why it would annoy you.



Yes but Jo and Dave don't share a last name and I'm sure their friends know that. I would say it is a faux pas to call someone by a name that's not theirs ;).

[Jo]

LOL I just posted the same thing after Danielle so I am editing it.

But that is the reason I get so angry at his family. This was from his cousin who is our age. She should definitely know better.

[tidee]

the Mrs. Thomas H. is the worst. it was common usage 35 years ago. i didn't like the sound of it then either. when i married bonny, she kept her last name, but i told mom she could call her Bonnie E., Bonnie H., or Bonnie E.-H. it wasn't a big deal for Bonnie, but she had been married before and wanted the same last name as her kids, to avoid confusion.

so... not to offend, but you are kinda the opposite, wanting different last names than your children. maybe we should do it like the mexicans do, and give our children both parent's last names.

can i ask you why you chose to keep your maiden name?

[Jejune]

maybe we should do it like the mexicans do, and give our children both parent's last names.


That's common in most of Latin America, not just Mexico. My husband is Venezuelan, and while he only uses his father's name for work, he has two last names, father's, then mother's. We did the same with our marriage and kids. I'm Kristen MyName HisName. My sons are Gabriel and Liam HisName MyName. My daughter is Eleanor MyName HisName. By the time we had her, we knew no one was going to get our names right anyway, so we decided to do what we wanted with that.

[Jo]

so... not to offend, but you are kinda the opposite, wanting different last names than your children. maybe we should do it like the mexicans do, and give our children both parent's last names.

can i ask you why you chose to keep your maiden name?

The original plan was to alternate the kid's last names so one would have mine and one would have Dave's. They all ended up with his last name. It really doesn't make a difference to me. They aren't confused about who their Mom is...just the rest of the world.

I kept my name for many reasons. I really didn't feel or see a need to change it. I don't really feel a need to follow traditions either. He might as well have changed his name to mine as much as me changing my name to his if they needed to match. Not to mention his name is extremely long and annoying...I feel bad for my kids.:giggle Even if I had been inclined to hyphenate, it really was not an option. Besides, I simply like my name and I don't really like his nearly as much.

[Polly]

And some family members do it on purpose: CJ's cousin, Jenny, sends us cards with Mrs. Polly YYY (CJ's last name) in all capital letters. So, I started sending the cards to her with her maiden name. It worked. Sad, but true.

Polly

[Jeri]

This is a pet peeve of mine, too. I did change my last name to match my husband's when we got married, but I sure as hell didn't change my first name. As much as it pains me, I address letters to DH's gma as to Mrs. Ethan T. - it would be nice if she would show me the respect to address me the way I feel most comfortable.

[Desirae]

I wouldn't really be bothered by it if it was an oops but in your situation I can defintely see what it would be offensive.

[Mary]

Jo listed many of my reasons for not changing my name. I have some more but I am not going to get into a list of them because, invariably, someone who didn't change theirs takes it personally and feels like I'm calling them out when I'm really not. ;)

[SabrinaJL]

How about this for irritating? A while back, DH's mom left a message for me on the answering machine. She called me Samantha. It wasn't the first time. At that point, DH and I had been together for over 13 years.

[Jejune]

How about this for irritating? A while back, DH's mom left a message for me on the answering machine. She called me Samantha. It wasn't the first time. At that point, DH and I had been together for over 13 years.


I think you win. My name is rather difficult for Daniel's relatives, but they do get it right.

[Polly]

I always enjoy the excuse of, "Oh, I just forget!" Now, of course, there are people who just forget, not a problem. But the people who do it every year I have ceased to believe. (The people who forget are usually good at apologizing w/o being reminded, too.) CJ's aunt M.E. used to "forget" until I told her that my 99 year-old grandmother always remembers!

Polly

[Jbird]

That is annoying.
I don't have the same complaint - but I'm still annoyed when people refer to me as "Daylon's wife" or to Delaney as "Daylon's baby." We have identities!! And, hello, he didn't carry that kid around for 8 1/2 months and push her out. She's mine too!

[gr8mommy]

Yeah, Sabrina wins.

Jo, I hope you don't mind my asking, but if you don't like your husband's name, why'd you give it to the kids?

[Jo]

Because it mattered more to Dave than it did to me at the time. Rai was going to have my last name. When the woman came into my hospital room to write down the info, Dave just looked so crestfallen that I gave her his last name.

It wasn't worth seeing him feel hurt. I am not going to fight a battle unless the issue has equal or greater importance to me. It isn't like his name is something horrid. I just am not the biggest fan.

Sabrina-you definitely win!

[Desirae]

Sabrina that is so beyond wrong. You win for sure.

[Kristi]

Wow Sabrina. That is crazy

[SabrinaJL]

I win? Is my prize a new MIL?

I suppose I can't expect much from a woman who didn't actually speak to her only grandchild until said grandchild was about 9 years old. I mean she'd be in the same room with her and just not talk to her. And for some reason, everybody just acted like this was normal. :confused

[kcmomma]

I address cards to older relatives as Mr. and Mrs..whoever, but younger relatives and friends are usually to Male name, female name and their last name. We don't have anyone in our family who's last name is hypenated or kept...guess we're pretty old fashion that way.