Having to take care of your parents?

[Brooke]

Have you ever had to take care of your parents or your SO's? Whether it be financially, emotionally, physically, etc.

What were the circumstances? What are your thoughts/feelings on it?

[Beka]

Yep we have- both sets and I would do it all over again because they're family and they'd support me if i needed it.

My parents, when I was 19 lost everything i a very, very bad bankruptcy- my dad owned 4 large businesses and went bankrupt due this partner wanting out so hiding things from him (like inland revenue demands) my dad was trusting, he lost everything (his partner still owns a small plane, race horse, large house and stables) bankruptcy in the 90s in England was harsh- he has to hand over his car keys in the courtroom, empty his pockets - they let him keep his return train ticket home and that was about it!

Financially we went into alot of debt which began our financial downfall and spiral of accumulating debt actually because we helped my mother buy back the equity in her home which was my dads (we bought it back from the court to save her from a force auction) they wouldn't take money from us so we spent months sneaking food into their home, they must have known we were doing it (well my mother at least) but it was left unsaid, we paid off alot of their utility companies so they could still have power etc, and I made up cash I owed my mother and returned it to her when she was upset at not being able to get Chase a christmas gift.

Emotionally it was a rough time, my dad had a break down, my mother went back to full time work and it was all me who went with her everywhere she had to, it was me who fielded the phonecalls that would reduce my dad to tears, it was me who had him at my house all day everyday whilst mom went to work to keep an eye on him. We were the shoulder to cry on for my mother when she didn't want my dad to have the stress of her being upset too.

It was harsh to be honest and the only regrets I have is the financial struggle it's made the last decade for us but would i trade money for supporting and loving my family? No, I know in the long run it would have been better financially for us to leave them on their own but then i ask myself would i like myself if i'd have chosen to do that? It was the right thing for us to do. My dad recovered 100% and he's now a big help with my kids and a fantastic grandad, his priorities in life got re-ordered and i got my dad back.

Prior to that I had been a carer twice in my life, in my mid teens for my dying gran with my mother- again tough, very tough, not something i could or would ever put my kids through at that age but i have no regrets in knowing i was always there for her and my mom. Second time was when my mother almost died of a burst anyeurism (sp??) in her brain- we were told she wouldn't make it through the night but if we asked they had to operate so we did, we were told she'd not wake up from surgery but she did, we were told she'd be brain damaged but 11 years on she's in good health- I spent around 6 months helping rehabilitate her, in fact i think I am one of the few people i know who can say she taught 2 of the people who watched her take her first steps to take their first steps after brain injury. Do i regret it? No, I'm just enormously grateful I still have my mother- we didn't get along prior to that but now we're actually friends as well as mother and daughter.

Davids mother emotionally we've helped her through several bad relationships and we've taken and raised her youngest daughter before now too. Again, no regrets.

I think though it was easy for me to want to do these things because our parents are loving and have been the type of parents a child would want to help- not through sense of duty but purely because they give reason to be loved.

[Christine]

Not my father, thankfully. I imagine that he's probably already got a senior living facility lined up and paid for! :giggle

My mom and her family had to come live with us about a year ago and stayed here for 5 months. I wish it was just a co-habitation, but it really was a matter of us taking care of them and it was extremely frustrating! I'm finally now coming to a place where I can have a relationship with her again. I do worry about what's in store when she's older and can't take care of herself.

[Kristi]

Nope not so far anyways. But I am sure it wouldn't be so bad I love my parents and would do anything for them.

[Sam]

No but I would take care of my mum in a heartbeat.

[Jo]

I don't have to worry about it. My parents are already part timers in a retirement community. You have your own apartment and TONS of amenties but they do have the graduated care as you need it. I will be helping to supervise their care as good advocacy leads to better care but I won't have to do the day to day things myself.

If Dave's Dad hadn't died when he did, we would have had to take care of him. He was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. It would only have been a matter of time.

[Danielle]

Yes. We send money to dh's mother in Jamaica regularly. They don't really have a social security program there and she lives on very little pension. We basically pay for her medical bills and her "extras". We're also looking into helping her get a new house (not nearly as costly as it sounds).

[kcmomma]

I helped support my mom emotionally this past spring when my dad had open heart surgery and almost died. I was the one who sat and held her, crying and praying myself all the while, when she thought the DR told her that he had stopped breathing (he auctually said that he stopped bleeding). I spent a week at the hospital almost everyday all day, missing work for 5 days. I bought the card and balloon for their wedding anniversary, since Dad was in a coma after 20 hrs of open heart surgery in 3 days. I've also been there for both emotionally in the past. I've taken my father to appts in the past, since he couldn't drive, and have picked him up at the ER too.

They are family, and that's what you do for family. Luckily, in the past they've been well enough off financially that we haven't had to go that route...although since Dad's surgery, things have gotten MUCH worse.

[Kate]

I haven't needed to yet, but if it ever came time I would do it in a heartbeat.

[Veronica]

We moved in with my parents when I was pregnant with Cadence. I helped care for my mum for 3 years till we moved this past May.

My mum was seriously ill about 12 years ago and had complications following surgery. She was in hospital for almost 4 months and has had problems ever since. She also suffers from depression.
She is still able to do most things for herself, but with difficulty. She has assistance to shower because of balance issues. I think as a result of the many (around 30) pills she takes each day.
Because I had my own family to look after as well, things got tough at times. My dad and I shared most of the work with mum. Going to appointments, organising her medication etc. Dad still worked full time so I took on most of the household duties to help them out.
Mum ended up in the ER a few times this past year and I would always go with her. I would relay her history, treatments etc and stay with her. Mum is paritally deaf and with her medications doesn't always grasp what is going on around her. I like to stay with her at the hospital so we get accurate information and to help mum understand what is going on. All this time, my sisters or Jeff would watch my girls.
Though I have no problem in caring for a family member, mum really frustrated me sometimes. She can be a difficult and stubborn patient. It can get quite hard to help someone when they are fighting you.
Earlier this year when Jeff got the offer of a job out here in the country, it was a hard choice for me to make. I had to put my family first and focus on my girls. I have ALWAYS tried to solve all my families problems and I didn't want to move away....but we did. My dad is retiring this year and my older single sister moved out of her apartment and back home to help out. They are all coping with things. I still stay involved and would do whatever is needed but its' nice to have some distance and a break.

We do have some great resources here though to help out carers. A community health nurse came and visited with us a few times and worked out services that mum or the family could use. They taught me a lot and helped heaps.