Condolences?

[Val]

What do you say? I just never feel like I can come up with the right words.

[YourMom]

My mom taught me to say "I'm sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do" when I don't know what else to say. (Not that it's insincere.. I totally mean it. But having the phrasing is so helpful.)

It was useful when offering condolences to my neighbour after her husband died of a heart attack relatively young in April.

[Beka]

Well to be fair you can't do any worse than my husband- at my friends funeral in 2000 we arrived at the house for the reception afterwards and his mother said "thank you so much for being here" to which my beloved replied "It's a pleasure" - i can not even begin to tell you how mortified i was (or even he was and it really wasn't meant to come out like that!)

I think for me it varies on who it is, my great-great Aunt Mary died April 2006 and I found it very easy to remain fairly at ease with her passing as she was late 90s. When it was my friend Mahoney that was hard as it was just so wrong for him to be gone at 21 and he was a fantastic person so full of energy, it felt all wrong.

I tend to either go visit or send a card or phone, it meant alot when my gran died that people made the effort rather than skated around the issue and tried to ignore the fact.

I think what i am trying to say is there aren't really any wrong words at all- for most people knowing you care enough to say something rather than avoid them means the world.

For my mother she had a very difficult time when my gran died with people telling her it was her time, it was Gods plan and how she was in a better place now- she was my mothers only remaining parent and she'd died fairly young in her mid-60s, my mother is an agnostic so people telling her it was gods plan was very difficult for her so personally I always err on caution over religious comments unless i know the family surviving that person are particularly religious.

[YourMom]

Good point about different circumstances, Beka.

8 days after Adia was born, an (at that time -- we're closer now) acquaintance's twins were stillborn. In that instance, I sent a card, because it was what I could do at the time.

[Kristi]

I think it most cases a simple "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" works. It is better than saying nothing at all anyways.

[Brooke]

I usually will say "I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family."

Depending on how close I am to the family.

[Val]

Thanks ladies! His family has moved, so I don't know where I would send a card or anything. I've been trying to decide what to post on his guestbook online.
I hadn't seen him since high school, but we met through some mutual friends.
The funeral was yesterday, and I had no idea untill I saw it on the news website.

[Jo]

I tend to go with what Brooke says. I know if I ask someone in a card if there is anything I can do, I won't really be helping. They are too distracted to think of anyway I can help. I think it is better to jump in and bring over some food or if you are close enough to call and ask over the phone what needs to be done.

Since you weren't close, I would just go with the I am sorry for your loss and something about thoughts and prayers.

[Lori]

Val, I always feel the same way. I feel like "I'm sorry" is just not enough, but what else can you really say?

I think both Steph and Brooke have good ways of putting it. If you know the family well, and are talking to them, then I think letting them know you're available if they need anything is a good idea. If you don't know them well or if you are sending a card, I think letting them know you're thinking of/praying for them sounds good.

[elin]

When my mom died suddenly of a heart attack three years ago, the most helpful things people said to me were a heartfelt "I'm sorry" and then talked about some memory of her. NEVER say "how are you?" as the answer is "I suck"--this is more important when the death is tragic. Also, it is true that if you ask how you can help, most people, especially when the death is tragic, will be unable to act on such an offer. It is better to bring food, send food, or call the person just to talk a couple of weeks later when everyone else has evaporated.

[Jbird]

One thing I think is to never minimize the pain someone may be suffering. It may be true that the pain will get better with time, or that they are better off now, or that God has a reason, but those sentiments don't usually help much. It's better to acknowledge and affirm the sadness and grief.

[Jeri]

I usually just say I'm sorry and offer ideas of ways I'm willing to help - offer to take their kids if they need time to make funeral arangements, stop by with food, etc.