Not raising your voice

[Lori]

This is something I REALLY need to work on. I have always been a yeller. Objectively, I don't think it's that bad, because I'm naturally a loud person, and I just get louder when I'm excited or angry. My entire family is loud, with lots of yellers, and it honestly never bothered me, because nobody was mean or took it to be anything serious. We were just kind of a very loving, very loud family.

However, it is not something that works in my life now. For one thing, it really upsets Sean. His family are the WASPiest Irish Catholics you could ever hope to meet ;). His mom never, ever, ever raises her voice, and his dad only raised his voice if he was VERY angry. So, it's really upsetting to Sean when I raise my voice. He hates hates hates yelling. I know it's really important to him that I not raise my voice when I'm angry with him, just like it's important to me that he not shut me out or walk away when he's angry with me. And I feel like he's done a much better job of changing that behavior than I have at changing mine.

It also doesn't work with Thomas. Thomas either thinks it's really funny when I raise my voice at him, or gets angry right back and starts yelling, too. So it's just very counterproductive.

But it's difficult because 1) I AM a loud person generally and I don't think there's any way around the fact that I'm going to get a bit louder when I'm excited or upset, and 2) when I'm really angry, I'm not exactly in a mindset where I'm choosing the best way to behave.

As I said on my blog, one thing I am going to do when Thomas is really making me angry is give myself a time-out. Just go into the bedroom and close the door and turn on the nature sounds on our alarm clock so I don't have to hear him, and take 5 or 10 minutes to calm down and figure out a course of action before I react, so I don't end up screaming.

I think, with Sean, maybe we need to be more clear about boundaries. Because I feel like sometimes he overreacts to my being a little bit loud, but not angry, and assumes I'm yelling at him, when I'm not. Like, last night I was confused about whether a pile of dishes he left in the sink were clean or not (they weren't, of course :sigh), and the TV was on, and the radio in the kitchen, and my ears are all stuffy, and so I asked him loudly, and he got really upset with me, because he thought I was yelling at him, when I wasn't. So I think he needs to be a little more tolerant about things like that, and the fact that I am simply NOT a quiet person like his family was. At the same time, I agree with him that it is simply unacceptable for me to yell at him when I'm mad, and that it's something I need to stop doing. So maybe we need to reach a compromise where he'll be a bit more tolerant of general, non-angry loudness, but I'll agree that yelling while angry is not okay or something we'll tolerate.

Anyone else struggle with this? Any suggestions?

[Kristi]

I have this problem. When I get upset i tend to yell. My parents were the same way and I guess it is a hard habit to break, Honestly, sometimes I feel it is the only way the kids hear me. Lately, I have been trying to work on it though. Caleb's teacher suggested that when we speak to him we need to get down and look him in the eyes and speak to him in a calm but firm voice. So I have been doing that alot more and it works pretty well for the other two also.

Also taking some deep breaths and removing myself from the situation unril I can calm down is a huge help. When I yell it is because I am just reacting to something without really thinking if it is worth getting upset about. Or thinking about the right way to handle the situation.

[Christal]

I do struggle with this and although I don't have any (good) advice, all I can say is when I feel I'm going to start yelling, I just remember that we have thin walls and EVERYBODY can hear me yelling. Not just the kids. My landlord lives right next door to me and I wouldn't want him hearing me scream at the kids (well, Megan). I know it sounds silly and it doesn't always work, but just realizing that people CAN hear me makes me think twice about raising my voice a lot of the time.

[Kristen]

I always try to remind myself that it is not very effective. It's SO tempting in that moment to think that yelling will solve everything, when really, I'm just wanting to yell to vent my own frustrations.

And a lot of times, when I want to yell, it's because Sonia and Zoe have been fussing, and that's really silly. They're 1 and 3, and are making noise because life is stressing them out, and here I am, 29 years old, and I can't even manage to handle some stress? It's really quite pathetic.

A lot of times too, I notice, when it gets to the point where I want to yell, it's usually because I've put off disciplining for something until it drives me to distraction. If I would be better about disciplining right away, I wouldn't have a chance to get so upset and so near yelling.

[Beka]

In reguards to Thomas- not sure if it will help or not Lori but I have found it's not so much volume but tone of voice when I speak to the kids, DH's bestfriend insists I have what he calls a "mommy voice" which i address the kids with to keep them in line when needed and he also maintains I have a "mommy stare" too- both of which he claims scare the living daylights out of him :rofl (He says he's behave if i spoke to him like it :rofl ) I find it works alot better- if i yell they know i'm stressed, they don't listen, I use "mommy voice" at them and they know it's close to mommy going postal so they stop it. I also have several phrases we use which avoids the whole losing it with them in public too (which i really hate doing as a kid from a non-physical discipline household misbehaves and everyone is convinced it's because you don't smack- which gets frustrating at times) Jude is often told "mommy has one string left and you are twanging on it" - they're quite responsive to being calmly told they are near the boundaries of what i am willing to put up with.

I look at it as arguments you have with other adults- remain calm and avoid threats and you'll win everytime, resort to screeching, threatening and you end up losing big time and feeling really small about yourself when it fails to get a result.

It takes alot of deep breathing and mental screaming inside ones own head at times though.

[Shana]

I was raised by a mom who yelled. I hated it. And, I will very, very rarely yell at my kids, at my husband, or at anyone. And, I hate it when one of the kids or Brian talks to me in a raised tone of voice. I. Hate. It.

It's all a response to being raised by a yeller, I know. You and Sean sound just like Brian and I, Lori. He'll talk in a loud tone of voice, and I get hurt, because I think he's yelling. And he will tell me, he was NOT yelling, he was just talking loud:rolleyes

Soooo... I don't really have any words of advice, other than don't yell :lmao

I very consciously modulate my tone of voice when I'm upset with my kids, so that I am NOT yelling. It hurt me a lot, I think, to be yelled at - I think it's fairly rude and disrespectful to speak to someone by yelling -- so I am really, really sensitive to it.

[Jo]

Shana...I tell Dave that I wasn't yelling but I was being emphatic.LOL He doesn't like it either.

I try not to yell but sometimes it seems that unless I raise my voice, he doesn't hear me. I think it is because of his family. They are from the Middle East and speak a mish mash of languages. They are very loud and sound like they are yelling to me even when they aren't. I think he tunes out quieter voices because they are never heard in his family.