Now what do I do?

[Val]

Okay ladies- I need honest input here. This is very difficult for me to talk about but I really need an outside opinion.
Over the last 6 years dh has become slowly more aggressive. At first it would just be picking our oldest up and pushing her out of the way when it wasn't really nessecary. Well, last night our youngest hit him and dh slapped him back. He is fine, I checked on him and he really hardly even cried. I don't think it affected him at all.
I'm not so dillusional that I believe that it won't happen again, and he has aggreed to go to a counselor but I'm afraid if he goes in and says he's there because he smacked his kid that the kids are going to get taken away or something awful.
He's not a jerk, and he's generally a great dad- but he was hit as a kid for relatively nothing and I can see that those things are starting to come out more. So how does he get help without worrying about CPS?

Most importantly- Am I crazy for not having made him leave right away???

[Erika]

Would the kids be taken away? If he was going for counselling, wouldn't that be seen as a step in the right direction and your DH trying to work on his issues without being first pulled up on by CPS?

:squeeze and I'm really sorry you and your chidlren are going through this. I hope your dh comes through the counselling and things get better.

[Val]

I don't think that they would be taken away, but I believe that if he tells a counselor what happened that they are legally required to call CPS, and they will investigate. I don't think one smack by dh would be enough to have the kids taken away from me but my mind is really just running wild right now.
He could go and just say he needs help with anger, but then I'm not sure the counselor will really understand the full situation.
What I really wanted him to do was leave until he started getting help- that way the kids and I wouldn't be at risk, but he just doesn't have anywhere to go.

[Erika]

wow, that is harsh. How can people really open up with counselling if there is the fear of investigation!

At the same time, weighing up pros and cons, it is unlikely that anything more than a visit would take place and in the end, he needs the counselling and full counselling where he can talk about his action.

Is there someone you can talk to and get advice from for what to expect with CPS?

[Beka]

I am really sorry you are dealing with this, it really can't be easy to know how much you love him and have it conflict so strongly with what he's just done and know the direction in which things are heading. I applaud him for admitting the problem and saying he will go for help, many people could and do never do that so it's a positive step.

A friend of mine went to anger management- it gave him the opportunity to discuss triggers for his anger, look back at his past, his upbringing to realise the roots of why he has an aggressive side to his nature as he does and to find remedies to work around it. It never claimed to "cure" him just to help him deal better with the emotions that caused him to act in the volatile manner he all too often did and that alone meant avoiding situations arising.

Personally i feel in matters of violence anger management often makes more sense than routine counselling, counselling would help him discuss the guilt he feels over it but i am doubtful as to if it would actually help him practically to live as a person in constant control of a temper.

Also i am not sure how CPS works in your state but here when they are called initially they are most interested in helping a parent be able to change, adapt and deal than they are removing a child- they only do that in extreme cases here where there is a consistant occurance of abuse or neglect, not for one off losses of temper. Like Erika suggests would there be anyone you could talk with about how they would be likely to treat an admission like he'd be making to a counsellor? It might turn out they could be a really useful source of help and support.

[Lori]

:hugs I'm sorry you guys are going through this right now.

I'd look around for a good counsellor. I have a friend who does family counselling, and she has dealt with a lot of families where physical discipline is an issue, but she's only called CPS once, when the family involved was being continually abusive (doing things like beating a 14-year-old child with a belt and locking him out of the house overnight). I think many counsellors do try to work with families who are seeking help without getting CPS involved.

That said, I can see why you are concerned, because I'm sure there are some overzealous therapists who probably would call CPS for any incident of violence, just to be on the safe side.

I'd try looking around to find out if there are any therapists in your area who specialize in anger issues. If there are, I would imagine they have seen a lot worse, and wouldn't be very likely to call CPS.

But I don't think a parent admitting to slapping a child requires contacting CPS. I think slapping would probably fall under the same category as spanking, as something that doesn't cause injury and doesn't need to be reported. Even in the worst-case scenario, if CPS was contacted, I imagine all that would happen is one visit, and maybe a suggestion for counselling, which is exactly what your husband will be doing anyway.

I hope you can get things figured out. Good for your husband for being willing to deal with this before it goes any further.

[wendygrace]

Hi there. I am/was a CPS worker here in IL. Technically, a therapist needs to report anything they reasonably believe is Child Abuse (or Neglect). The prob is that Abuse/Neglect definition is a little hazy to some therapists. Chances are small that someone would call CPs for smacking a child once and smaller that the hotline would take the call (although possible depending on how the therapist interprets the smack). A lot depends on the child's age. If we're talking a two year old, and it left bruises and/or a trip to the hospital, and the parent wasn't concerned, and the other parent wasn't concerned, that's one thing. If it's a 17 year old, no bruising, and the child had just smacked the parent, that's another thing. Of course, the middle ground are various shades of grey.

I would come up with a plan with dh that he can tell the therapist if he/she asks what he will do to prevent this. Something as severe as he is leaving the house or that he will not have unsupervised contact with the children to something as simple as when he starts to get angry or upset (and can demonstrate how he knows he is getting angry/upset) he will go take a walk, go to the bathroom, whatever. That will assure the therapist that there is a plan in place that limits the risk to a child.

I hope he gets the help he needs. I would also consider anger management (whether a tx who works with anger management specifically or a program specifically for this). I also have him have a full medical check-up including hormone testing to make sure everything is ok there. And he should also consider depression as a possibility as many men who are depressed exhibit it through aggression.

*hugs* to you all.

[BeckaUS]

IT is very sad that councelors are not longer completely confidential. I was surprised to learn in my social work classes that courts can subpoena a councelor's notes and records. Because of this, many councelors keep sketchy notes. Also, they are required to report any child abuse, threats to others and threats to one's self.

I think an anger management class with a group would be a good idea. Or, your dh could just go to a regular councelor and leave out the slapping part. The councelor would have nothing to report, but would be able to help him with his temper and figure out where it stems from.

[Jejune]

Or, your dh could just go to a regular councelor and leave out the slapping part. The councelor would have nothing to report, but would be able to help him with his temper and figure out where it stems from.

I think this is not a good idea - you need to have openness in counseling, and the slapping is the incident that triggered a need to call a counselor. However, as has been said, one slapping incident is not a pattern of abuse, and we're talking someone who is seeking help for the matter. As inappropriate as it may be, it's a normal instinct and reaction to slap back when you're hit, and moderating that reaction sometimes needs training even in people who weren't abused or threatened.

I'm sorry you're in this position, Val, but I think it's great that you're both being proactive.

Wendy has so many good ideas in her post, and I think I'll just refer back to it. Having a plan in place is great. I've also heard that getting regular exercise can help with aggression (and depression and anger, for that matter).

[Jeri]

I hope everything works out for you guys. I'm glad he's willing to go to counseling for it. You know, so many parents spank their kids regularly that I doubt once incident of smacking a child would trigger a call to CPS. If you're worried, you could make a "hypothetical" call to counselors you're considering and see what the consensus is.

[Kristi]

I hope it all works out Val. I am glad that he wants to go to councseling. I definetly think that is a huge step in the right direction. Maybe if he can explain how the slap was that it didn't hurt him much or whatever they won't call CPS. I don't have much to add to what has been said already but I wanted to wish you good luck with it all. I hope it helps.

[wendygrace]

I'll second the regular excercise as well. There have been studies that show that men need regular physical exercise in their weekly routine to help temper their testosterone.

[Val]

Thank SO much ladies! You input is great and helped a lot.
I'm greatly relieved to hear that you all don't think I made a huge mistake here.
Tomorrow at work he should be able to get a list of in network places that will be covered.

It has been a long, long weekend.