How aware are your children of your difficulties?

[Beka]

Do you chose to shelter them entirely for your difficulties and issues or do you share openly?

Has their age and understanding been a factor in this decision? (and do you feel that decision may change as they age?)

Why do you feel your decision is the best for them?

[Christine]

I try not to go into details when I'm in the middle of a depression but they'd have to be blind to not see it. They know because they live here, not because I want them to know. So I don't necessarily believe it's the best choice for them. I just hope that they see me trying to work through these things and don't have to go through too much therapy for it!!

[Lori]

Right now, Thomas isn't aware, AFAIK, that I have panic disorder. We've talked generally about how everybody gets afraid and ways to handle your fears, but that's it.

I will absolutely be making him aware of my own struggle with panic attacks, and ways to cope with them, as he gets older, though. There is a really long history of panic disorder in my family, so unfortunately I think the odds are pretty good that our kids will suffer from at least occasional panic attacks. I'll want them to know what they are and how to cope with them before they ever have to deal with having one. I think if I'd had that information, I would have been spared a lot of struggling. I'm really hoping it's not something he has to deal with, but I also think that if I'm open about my own difficulties with panic attacks, he'll have the tools he needs to cope effectively with a panic attack should he have one.

Plus, the tools for dealing with panic attacks (positive self-talk, relaxation, countering cognitive distortions) are really useful things to do even if you don't have panic attacks. So I do try, already, to practice those sorts of things with him, when they come up. When he starts with negative talk, I try to show him how to counter it with positive talk, and when he gets very upset and frustrated, we stop and take some deep breaths. So hopefully positive ways of dealing with upsetting emotions will be a regular part of his life.

ETA: It's very important to me that I don't pass on irrational fears to Thomas, so I do make a point, when I'm feeling irrationally anxious in a situation, of pointing out why there's nothing to be scared of. Because I don't want him picking up on my fear, and deciding that it's a threatening situation. When he's older, I will explain, in situations like that, that my anxiety is irrational and comes from me, not the situation which is perfectly safe. But, I don't think he's old enough to understand that now, so I just try to comment on why it's a safe (and, if possible, fun) situation, so that he doesn't pick up on my anxiety and decide that the situation is threatening.

[wendygrace]

We don't hide much from the kids. They know what is going on, age-appropriately of course. Ya know, they don't know we haven't had sex in months but they know that we are having trouble communicating with each other and that we are working on it.

[Kristi]

It just depends on what it is. Most of the time we don't share with them because they are too young to understand right now. Fortunately there has been nothing major recently. But if it was something that would affect their lives and where they would be able to tell that something wasn't right I would offer an explanation that they could comprehend.

[SabrinaJL]

Well, since Krysten is 13 and it's just the two of us right now, she's very aware of my panic attacks. I can't really hide them from her. She's taken it upon herself to keep me calm. She sleeps with me because my attacks usually happen at night. Yesterday I mentioned something about her sleeping in her own room and she said "I don't think so! As long as you're having these attacks, I'm staying with you until dad gets home."

I hate that she knows this because I know it scares/worries her. The other night I had a really bad one and I actually had a talk with her about what she's to do if something happens to me. I'm sure that didn't help, but she does need to know.

I don't know if her knowing is the best thing, but it wasn't something that could be avoided.

[Shannon]

My kids are ages 10 - 18. I have tried to explain to them at an age appropriate level what is going on without going into too much detail.

I want them to be aware of/sensitive to others life struggles so that they have a better understanding of life and those around them.

[Shana]

I don't want my kids to have to deal with my struggles. I feel like they are mine, and I will handle them on my own. That's just me, however.... I've never been big on leaning on people. Which I'm not terribly proud of, because I do realize that we all need someone to lean on, and to count on.

I just don't think my kids should be made to have that very real adult responsibility :)

[Beka]

Sabrina that is really touching, Krysten always sounds like such a wonderful and mature young woman, I think it speaks volumes about your parenting and you should be proud.

Well here I'd say like Christine although i don't openly dwell on my issues with the kids chase is a growing child and she's an intelligent child who isn't going to bumble through life not noticing the fluctuations i can go through. I did used to hide it from her then i realised how much she was picking up on which went unsaid and that was scaring her- by talking openly with her and answering her questions she's alot happier with it. She has been able to irradicate the idea that it was their "fault", she has been able to have a less judgemental view of mental health issues which i really do see as a positive thing as she's a sensitive child. Most of all she has known it's not her- it's me when it's a bad week. I don't share with her about my past of self harming though, when she is older i may but at present she would get too confused and concerned as she has had several friends who have lost a parent to suicide and i think at age 9 it would be difficult to seperate self harm and suicide attempts in her lines of thought and i don't want her to worry over that.

I come from a family where my mother is very much a solitary person who sucks it up, deals with her own problems by burying them and never got any real help and i swore i'd never be like that as there was a tremendous guilt through being the child of someone who i knew had problems, i very much blamed myself and my sister for how she was because we were never 100% sure what was going on. Also i share with my kids because I don't want them to have to over come the huge hurdle i did when i first encountered problems and needed help, i had a big stigma over mental health therapies which i had to work through to get help- if my mom were more open i don't think i'd have had to go through that.

We are also open with Chase (and eventually the others as they reach an age) over David's addiction issues - hopefully knowing what he overcame will make us more accessable when they are teens dealing with peer pressures. Obviously we're not graphic about his drug use as she is 9 but we don't do the whole "drugs are bad Hmmm-kay" line on it, we believe education will keep her away from it far better than a refusal to acknowledge it exists.

I think the only struggle I do keep them sheltered from is largely our financial one, they know we have to be frugal, they know we have debt but they never know in the really bad weeks and that allows them to be normal children I feel- they will ask for things they want, they will ask to take part in activities but at the same time they are aware we're not rich by any measure. I don't share with them about my struggles with gambling as it is something I've resisted for some time but again, Chase isn't stupid- she knows there is some light hearted joking in the family when we go to amusement arcades or play the lottery- I don't think she realises i struggled with addiction to it but I do know she realises if mommy played she might not stop and finds that funny and understand it's why i don't! She'll understand as she gets older.