At what point do you stop helping someone?

[Brooke]

This is a personal example, but I think that it illustrates my question best.

My younger brother is gay. His boyfriend is seriously messed-up. He had a horrific childhood, quit high school when he was 14, is a pot-head and just has major, major issues. My younger brother has moved in with him and there have been various episodes of fights. The boyfriend has also tried to kill himself recently.

My father, who has a huge heart, has taken it upon himself to help this boy. He has given him a job, given him time-after-time of looking the other way when he messes up, loaned him money, etc. My father is bending over backwards to help him.

The boyfriend, in turn, has no respect for our family, whatsoever. He calls my stepmom a c**t, goes off about all of us, emotionally beats on my brother, etc. It's awful.

Now -- given the situation that the kid is so messed-up and has so many issues from his childhood. Where do you draw the line to stop helping him? Do you keep doing whatever you can, giving him more and more chances until he's ready to change? Or do you give him "tough love" and cut him off until he's ready to get some help for himself?

You know that he can't even begin to heal himself until he's sober. But you also know that nobody is going to change until HE is ready to change. How long do you try to facilitate change if he's not showing that he's ready to change himself?

[Jo]

It is so hard. You know what the woman in rehab said to us when we went to visit my brother. That 50% statistic is so hard. Unfortunately he needs to be let go. At this point your dad is just enabling him. The nature of an addict is to scheme and take and feed their physical and psychological needs. But when you all let go, you have to accept that either he will sink or he will swim. I learned with my brother that no matter what I did, what I wished, he was either going to be alive or dead in the morning and I had to just accept that.

[teawhisk]

I have a parent and two siblings who are alcoholics/drug-addicts.

I don't try to help them anymore. Giving them money, jobs, attention, sympathy, emotional support, and anything else they said they needed didn't help.

My first obligation is to my children. I don't have the money, patience, or emotional energy to waste on the addicts. I hope they recover. I wish them the best. But they're abusive and crazy and nothing *I* do will change them.

[Kristi]

I think in any situation like this once you see that your efforts are not causing any positive changes to occur you need to let go and allow them to be on their own. If the things you are doing to help are not working that what is the point of continuing with them. They first have to want to change and to get help before they improve.

[Christine]

I have a hard time with that question Brooke! I have to say, from personal experience, that I'm sick and tired of the "my childhood was rough so I'm a screw up" mentality. We are all affected by the things we've lived through and when someone is bending over backwards to help you, there is NO excuse for treating them like junk, period. None of this "I don't know any other way to act" nonsense.

We see this all the time with Dave's brother Jamie and we both get so stressed over it. Dave is from the same family background and you have to choose to overcome it. You can't just continually use that as a backup for messing up, ykwim?

Anyway - we've had to do this with Jamie. We've helped him as much as we can and whenever we can but we're at the point that we just can't anymore. It's not a matter of what WE can do, but what he's doing with the help. He continues to make the same decisions over and over again. What's the point in paying the power bill so you can buy drugs with the money you've earned, you know? It's time to see what it feels like to be without heat. Of course, when there were kids involved we did everything we could but now that he's on his own, there's very little we're willing to do.

It's this way with my mom too and I'm having to draw very obvious lines with her. She has this sense that she can do whatever she wants and then get upset and someone will bail her out when things get difficult. But there is no change in attitude or behavior, so why continue to help? If she were willing to admit and take responsibility for the mistakes she makes and has made, I'd reassess the situation. But as of now, there's no monetary help and any other help will only come as long as it doesn't hurt my family to give it.

It's hard when you come to that point of having to cut someone off or pull back on help but you really do need to at some point. I definitely think in your situation, you're there.

[Brooke]

I feel that it's time to cut him off. I feel like my Dad is enabling him and that this kid is taking advantage of my father's charity. My Dad if a very fair man, but every once in awhile, he gets this bug up his butt and decides that he needs to help someone.

Now, we have been all up on my Dad to stop helping him. I've been a pothead and used it to self-medicate. I know how much it sucks getting sober. I had a huge mental addiction for a few years. I only became sober because I found out I was pg with Xander. And after I had him, I had a LOT of issues to take care of. Apparently the pregnancy hormones helped me be happy. I started to see a therapist and take medication.

My point about all that information-divulging is that I know where this kid is in his life. I've not been at that rock-bottom, but I've been really close. I know that the only way he will get better is to get sober, first and foremost. And that when he's sober, there is going to be a whole slew of issues that need to be worked out. That would require him seeing a therapist. He's been called a 'fag' by his own father for years, his younger brothers physically threatens him and his mom and grandma just don't seem to care. It's awful.

So one of the reasons that my Dad is so torn to not stop helping him is because everyone in this kids life has shit on him. Every single person that a child is supposed to look at as a role model, has harmed him either physically or mentally. My Dad feels that someone needs to step in and show this kid unconditional love and even though it might take months before this kid trusts my Dad fully, somoene needs to do it.

And then hopefully when this kid trusts my Dad, he'll want to quit and get help for himself. That's my Dad's theory.

Me, I'm not so sure. My brain is telling me that this kid needs tough love and my Dad needs to stop enabling him. My heart says that my Dad needs to keep trying and somebody needs to reach out to this kid because every other adult in his life has failed him.

My Dad owns his own business and has tried for the last few months to get this kid to work regular hours and show up daily. Hasn't happened. We also believe that he's been coming to work stoned. Not a good combo since he works in the warehouse. If something were to happen, that's my Dad's ass. kwim?

It's so complicated and while I'm very "cut him off and make him realize what he needs to do", I also feel that maybe somebody DOES need to reach out to him and be there while he goes through all this and help him get to the point where he wants to change.

[Christine]

I think you're both right Brooke. But your dad doesn't need to give him money to show him love. Those two are completely separate.

[Lori]

I think it's less a matter of deciding whether or not to stop helping someone and more a matter of being realistic about what kind of help you can actually give. While you can give someone help where they are right now, you just can't make up for someone having a horrible childhood, no matter how much you might want to. So I think that there comes a point where you need to realize that you just cannot fix things that happened in the past, but you can try to figure out the best way to help someone deal with their current situation.