View Full Version : If you had to choose one
If you had to choose between having your dh/so gone for 4-5 months straight, but then being home as usual after that, or having him/her gone for 3-4 days a week, every week, for years, which would you pick?
I was just thinking about this earlier today and I honestly don't know which I would choose. It's a tough call. I am currently in the situation of having dh gone 3-4 days a week, every week, because he is the court-appointed attorney for some far-flung counties in another part of the state. It's not an area to which I'd ever consent to move so this is the best we can do right now until he can find something closer to home, which could take who-knows-how-long.
First I thought I'd elect to do what we're doing now because I at least get to see him for a few days and have him spell me with the kids so I can get a break. But I keep coming back to the fact that this is going to go on indefinitely. There isn't really a light at the end of the tunnel. If he went away for months, it would be harder while it was happening, but then there would always be the thought that once he got home it would be over with for good. So I'm not really sure which I'd pick.
Anyone else know what they'd prefer?
SabrinaJL
08-24-2007, 11:49 AM
I'd say the 3 or 4 days a week. Not seeing my husband for months at a time is very difficult.
I don't know. Neither would be particularly fun. I think it would partly depend on how much help from family I had. If we were in Detroit, I'd rather he be gone 3-4 days a week, because I think I could handle a few days a week on my own with Thomas but I would have a hard time being a single mom for 5 months.
But, if my family was nearby, I'd probably prefer that he be gone for a few months and then be home normally after that, since they'd be able to help out while he was gone.
If it was a one-time deal, I think I'd prefer the 4-5 months away, definitely, but if it was something that would happen every few years, then I don't know.
Kristen
08-24-2007, 12:04 PM
I'd go for a few days a week, I think. I suppose it would depend, though, on how many years the 3-4 days a week thing would go on. I might want to just bite the bullet and do the months all at once.
I really don't know!
Maleah
08-24-2007, 12:37 PM
Both suck. For the last couple of years DH has been gone a couple days a week so I know I can adjust to that. Having him gone for months at a time would be harder I think.
To be honest I'd be looking for alternate work for him even if it meant a cut in pay, kids are young for such a short space of time and I know for me having my dad around meant alot growing up. We do have the option of David working a job where he'd be away all week and make twice what he does but having grown up without a dad it's a price he's not willing to pay so we live on a tighter budget to have him stay home.
If i had to chose though it would definately be 3-4 days a week away, the big gap would leave too much of a void in the relationship for me as I think it'd be entirely different to being married to a service man where i knew it was part and parcel of the marriage from day one.
We did the cut in pay for a long time. :) We just reached a point where we can't do it any more. We had nothing, no health insurance, no dental, nothing put aside for retirement (the guy is 45 already, too) and no life insurance should something happen to him which would've left me destitute and probably on welfare. Right now this is honestly the best thing for us. We lost our house to foreclosure and had to file bankruptcy and we just couldn't continue having such an uncertain future. It would've been irresponsible NOT to take it!
At any rate, this is really just a hypothetical question, like if space aliens came down and knocked on the door and said, "These are your two choices." ;) I was just wondering which everyone thought was worse because I couldn't make up my mind.
I know I couldn't do months at a time on my own. I don't have enough help here though I am sure I could find some or actually apply for the waivers for Rai if I needed it. I would rather have the 3-4 days a week knowing I could get a break before I went totally insane.
Yeah, that's the way my opinion is leaning, too. I think maybe if my parents lived here I might feel differently but dh is my only help here right now so having him gone for half a year would probably kill me!
MathSpeak
08-24-2007, 10:46 PM
Okay, Mary, this is as hypothetical as it's gonna get, since I don't even have a husband! LOL... I'd opt for the 4 months... I've been a single mom for 3 years, so any help I get from here on out is going to mean the world to me... I can make do for another couple of months if it meant my hubby would be around after that...
Now, BE GONE damned aliens!!!
Jejune
08-25-2007, 02:52 AM
I lean toward months, but I don't know. The indefinitely part is what makes me anxious. Besides, we may eventually have a situation where that is the case - he really wants me to study overseas for a while, but there's no guarantee that the whole family could go, and it's likely any program I got into would be about six months. I wouldn't want to do it like that, but I do want to travel overseas some day, and I suppose my choice may eventually be between doing it alone or not at all, and I have no idea what I'll pick. I know what Daniel would want me to pick, though.
Maggie
08-25-2007, 07:22 AM
I have loads of help here. All of our family lives here and they help out all the time, so I think I'd go with the months. If I were going to be going it alone, no way. I'd for for the couple days a week.
Kristi
08-25-2007, 10:45 AM
I lean towards months too. But then again I have done it before and know I could handle it. Though I didn't have as many kids which is where I start to lean the opposite way. Maybe I only lean towards months because I know that it is a possiblity for us,
Entirely understandable Mary- if it were a case of necessity then i would definately prefer the 3-4 days away, I'd worry alot about how the children would adjust to his absense and I'd also worry one his return that i'd have become so independant that he'd feel entirely redundant, a close friend of mine had a husband in the navy and their eventual divorce came about due to the fact she felt she had no use for him after such long periods coping without him (although to be honest there were biiiig gaps in their relationship before that too.)
Oh, gosh, there is NO way that I will ever lose the need for Robert's help. I only get by without him because I have to. I don't enjoy it and it's not something I'd ever want to get so used to that I would prefer it. I'm way too fond of co-parenting to ever decide I'd prefer to do it by myself.
One good thing about this situation is that he had to give up his office and his private clients (don't need them any more, anyway) so the days he is home he is home all day long and doesn't have to go anywhere. There are lots of weeks he will be here Thursday night through Monday night or Tuesday morning and he's with us that entire time except for maybe a brief court appearance here and there. I think we may actually see him more now than we did when he was doing this work plus had his own office, because the weekdays then that he wasn't up there he was at his office and wouldn't get home till 6 pm or later. :)
Shana
08-26-2007, 05:04 PM
Let me just start by saying. WOW!!! JZ is almost in pre-K already! Crazy.
Now in response to your question, I'd take the 3-4 days per week and THAT would be tough for me. I hate being away from Brian.
Angelique
08-27-2007, 02:43 AM
Am currently doing the 4 months at a time.... Much prefer the other option. A few destressing days every now and then makes a huge difference. BELIEVE me lol..
haymadsam
08-27-2007, 05:42 AM
Well, I have had it both ways. The months at a time suck. But if it is for something other than military work where he is out of the country for months - I would rather not have to deal with that again. (but unfortunately I will have to soon enough) But if it were somewhere stateside, somewhere the kids and I could go visit that would be ok.
Well since i'm already used to not having patrick here for a few days a week with his schedule as a paramedic, I'd probably choose that one.
BeckaUS
08-27-2007, 09:19 AM
I would say 3 to 4 days a week if I could choose and I were happily married. The idea situation would be moving with him for those 4 months.
Shannon
09-14-2007, 10:38 AM
I have had to do both as well. My dh was career military for 20 years....15 of them 'at sea'. He also spent 7 1/2 months overseas when the war first started. Since retiring in 2005 he has had a contractor job with the military and only comes home about 1 weekend a month. The kids and I miss him terribly......I would take 3-4 days a week!