Yell at Your DH; You'll Live Longer!

[Polly]

Finally, medical permission to be ourselves! BECAUSE WE'RE SAVING LIVES HERE! :yes

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070820/hl_nm/silent_marital_spats_dc

Polly

[Beka]

If that's true I'm going to live forever :lmao

[Kristen]

And I'm going to die early. :giggle

I am working on saying more of what I think, and I have managed some change in that area.

[Polly]

Kristen-I know what you mean. I have only yelled at CJ twice in the ten years that we have been together. I just don't like yelling. I don't feel it accomplishes much and my mom is a big yeller and it always made me feel horrible. I do always say what is on my mind but I have a feeling it comes out in my best "disapproving teacher" voice. CJ said that is the voice his mom used with him and his brother, Mike, growing up. Well, no wonder! His mom was a teacher!

I knew that the family I came from didn't argue effectively. A lot of hurt feelings-intentionally. It was all about winning the argument, not resolving it. So, I took a Communications 101 class at a community college to study more effective and positive ways to argue. (Yes, plenty of books available at your local library! :giggle ) My problem was that my mom didn't take the class! So, while I'm a more effective communicator in arguments now, it has become difficult to talk/argue with her. We go long periods of not speaking because of the fact I refuse to argue with her the way she wants and I usually tell her it's wrong to argue that way (she knows about the class-she paid for it!) and that I won't respond to certain things she said in the argument (like bringing up the past). Eventually, I have to get off the phone with her-thank goodness I don't live with her anymore!

But, this class really helped me where CJ is concerned. His parents didn't yell and he is open to discussing things in calm manner. Love him for this!

Polly

[Beka]

See David and I do have confrontation but it is rarely fruitless arguing for the sake of it. We argue to resolve and when we do it does mean an issue is entirely dealt with satisfactoraly rather than being brushed under the carpet. I come from a long line of relationships where one half of the marriage has constantly given way on issues and nothing ever solved and after 25-30 years of marriage that really starts to show on people which is why David and I always decided if we had to argue we would.

We have been known to have my mother drive down, fetch the kids so that we can truly get on with the argument and we don't stop until an issue is amicably resolved rather than one partner giving in entirely to the other, we always find a compromise as a result of our arguments and it's been a really healthy way of life for us these last 10.5 years, to be entirely honest I do attribute a large part of our holding a very young relationship together on the fact we've been so willing to head into conflict if it meant neither one of us living in the others shadow.

I guess the difference is when arguing is no longer healthy nor beneficial to anyone, for us it achieves things. It doesn't happen often but when it does it resolves the stress of having an issue brooding without ever fully being discussed.

[Kristen]

Polly-yeah, I don't think the article was saying that you have to yell...just that you have to get your point across and not stuff it down(unless I missed something...I skimmed it!).

I don't think I've actually ever yelled at Steve in 11 years, which is fine. But in those 11 years, there have been many times that I SHOULD have said something calmly and didn't. Several times recently, though, I've spoken up when I would have normally kept quiet, and it was nice...we got things worked out, and I felt much better!

[Jo]

It is about being able to communicate and speak your mind. I don't think the study said anything about needing to yell....not that I can't manage to do that if I have to...

I would rather talk about stuff but sometimes Dave needs a wake up call to listen.

[giana]

Woot Im living a good hundred then...because baby I dont swallow any frogs....granted I wish I did not have to speak my mind loudly so much but well in need I do not hesitate