Is anyone else just awful at speaking up when somethings bothering you?

[Kristen]

I am really, really awful at this. I'm working on improving, but it's still a very weak area for me.

The root of it is actually selfish. I'm a people-pleaser, which means I please people because it makes ME happy to do so(looks unselfish, but actually isn't!).
Anyhow, in Kristen's world, the most important thing is to keep things peaceful and calm and happy. Which causes a problem when something is bothering me. I don't want to disturb the peace and quiet by mentioning what is bothering me, and possibly causing an argument.

In fact, the concept of a productive argument is relatively new to me. I really have to twist my brain around to understand that sometimes, it's better to argue something out than to just gloss over it. I guess I need to think long-term instead of short-term. In the short term, glossing over feels better, but that's a bad long-term plan.

The problem with being a quiet people-pleaser for a long time is that things gradually build up inside of you. I'll feel fine about our relationship until he does something that bugs me, and then ten years worth of things that bugged me pop up in my head, and that's not terribly pleasant.

Steve hasn't always done a particularly good job of creating an environment where I feel really comfortable speaking my mind, but we're talked about it and he's working on that, while I'm working on saying what I think more often.

[Lori]

I'm fine at it with Sean, for the most part.

But, in general, I'm really bad about just being silently annoyed and resentful about something, rather than confronting it. I hate the thought of people being mad at me, and I tend to think that if I bring up anything that another person is doing or asking that makes me unhappy, they'll be mad, even though I know that's probably not the case. But I will go to absurd lengths at times to keep people from being upset with me, even when rationally I know that 1) somebody being angry or upset with me isn't the end of the world, 2) if somebody does get mad at me for speaking my mind about something that's bothering me, it's their issue not mine (assuming I did it in as polite a way as I could), and 3) anger doesn't last forever and it's better to have somebody be momentarily upset but have things out in the open than to pretend things are fine when they aren't. But, I still absolutely hate having confrontations with people, especially if I'm initiating them, and I tend to just pretend that I'm fine with things even if they are really bothering me, particularly with friends.

Kristen, ITA with what you said about short-term versus long-term. That's definitely where my problem is. I tend to want to avoid the discomfort of a confrontation for the sake of making things easier in the short-term, then to deal with issues in a way that might be hard in the short-term but will make for better relationships in the long-term.

[Beka]

Only with my parents- seriously, I am strong willed, confident and able to express myself for the good of my family consistantly until it comes to my parents in which case i revert to feeling 6 years old and like they are still in charge. I think the main problem is I established my family before i'd established myself as an adult, as an independant person and as a result they have never seen me as an adult- I am forever the rebellious teenager to them.

My mother is terrible with the emotional blackmail, the guilt trips and the refusal to talk/argue something out she just resorts to "fine, whatever" and that type of response which always leads to my submitting even when I know i shouldn't.

It's a real bone of contention in my marriage because my backing down to her often means i have to chose to go against David and as my husband i shouldn't, I should back him 100% especially as i know he's right on the issues she's holding me on.

[Shana]

I am so much like that, Kristen. It is definitely something that I have gotten better at, but yeah. I am the ultimate people pleaser and I want everyone to be happy.... peace and calm are things that I adore.

Brian is very good at pulling things out of me when I'm angry or upset. But I have friends who are literally making me want to throttle them, and I go on pretending all is well and good, as I don't want to rock the boat:whatever

I feel your pain :squeeze

[Kristen]

Well, at least I'm not alone in this. Or maybe it would be better if I was! LOL

[giana]

Im the opposite....when something makes me upset I storm out and say whatever comes to my mind...usually without any thinking and I get myself in pretty delicate situations.Like last year my husband decided to visit his Dad in the west coast and well we were kinda tight money wise so I maxed my CC tro fly us to Oregon...As we got there his Dad,the main reason of our trip, had a new girlfriend that worked in a bar and after 2 weeks of not seeing him or seeing him plastered I eneded up calling his dad a drunken bastard and excuse of a father and whatever else came to my mind...needless to say his dad hates me even tho all I said was 100% true...sometimes I wish I could just shut up

[Christine]

I'm pretty assertive with Dave about things that are upsetting to me. Of course, I don't always approach the subject with him very well and I can create an argument if I'm not careful! I am horrible at speaking my mind with other people that upset me - especially my mother!

[Kem]

I'm just like you Kristen. I'm such a people pleaser. I cringe when someone confronts someone else in my presence. I think mine stems from my childhoold being filled with constant conflict and fighting between my parents. I just want things to be quiet and peaceful

[Kristen]

Oh gosh, Kem! A few weeks ago, we had a difficult meeting with my parents, and Steve was being confrontational, and I swear, my mouth turned to cotton. I couldn't even talk. It was like my mouth was made of cotton and I had this big huge cotton tongue in my mouth! LOL

[Kristi]

I am. I am really soft spoken (in real life anyways LOL) and i Don't like to offend anyone or make people angry. I have a hard time telling people when something they have done has hurt me or upset me. Even Dh at times though I am getting better with that one. :) Usually unless it is something major i just bite my tounge and let it go.

Like Kem said I don't like to witness others being conftontational either. When DH does it embarrasses me. My dad was yelling at someone about a bill or something on the phone when I was there in March and THAT even made me cringe and the person wasn't even in the room with us. LOL