How do you keep yourself from automatic no's?

[Lori]

Well, first, I guess, do you have a problem with automatically saying no to things at times without thinking through whether it's really something you should or need to say no to?

And, if you do, do you have ways to keep yourself from falling into doing it?

If you do say no automatically and then change your mind after thinking about it, what do you do?

[Mary]

I can't answer this because it's something I need major help with! I have a habit of automatically saying no first, even if I mean "not right now but in a little while". Then when I clarify I mean they can do it later it looks like I'm waffling or not being consistent. I need to learn to think before I speak.

[giana]

My answer is always well see...so I have time to think about it a little before giving them a definitive...now my oldest daughter hates it because she says I never answer nothing right away its always well see

[Lori]

I can't answer this because it's something I need major help with! I have a habit of automatically saying no first, even if I mean "not right now but in a little while". Then when I clarify I mean they can do it later it looks like I'm waffling or not being consistent. I need to learn to think before I speak.

Mary, that's exactly what I do. On the one hand, I don't want to be inconsistent. On the other hand, I don't want to create stupid rules I didn't even mean because of my own mistake.

[Kristen]

If I'm not sure about something then I usually give a non-committal sort of answer like, "We'll see." or, "We'll ask Daddy when he gets home." or something of that sort.

If I say no and change my mind, I'll usually tell them. However, if my "No." has precipitated whining and fussing on my kids' part, then I'll usually opt for not changing my verdict, even if there are valid reasons. I don't want to reinforce the, "Fussing and whining makes mom change her mind." kind of mentality.

When there has not been fussing, and when my children have politely pointed something out, then I think I need to be humble enough to admit that I spoke rashly and without thinking, yk? I'm not perfect at it, but I think it's the right thing to do.

[Lori]

I think I need to get into the habit of "we'll see" or "maybe." My main issue is with things that are noisy or messy. If it's noisy or messy, I say no automatically, even if there's really no good reason for him not to be doing it, at least not once we set up for it. I think that, like Mary, what I mean is, "Not right now," but I just jump right to "no."

[Amy J]

I can't answer this because it's something I need major help with! I have a habit of automatically saying no first, even if I mean "not right now but in a little while". Then when I clarify I mean they can do it later it looks like I'm waffling or not being consistent. I need to learn to think before I speak.


me too! Tristan likes to do that right when I'm getting ready to feed Rosie or in the middle of doing the laundry. He'll also do this right after I sit down from doing something else.

[Beka]

If i say no it's done because there's a valid reason why that activity isn't one we'll be doing- period. If it's something i can't/don't want to do at the time i tell them why and when we might be doing it because that avoids the nagging whining, my kids are very aware that i am consistant and they know if mommy says she'll do something at X time or on X day she will and so once they've been told when it'll happen the whining stops, they know if i say no to something i'm going to give a reason and they usually are really good at accepting that and we find an alternative because i don't want to discourage them and i find if i say no to something they need to learn why no has been said and with the alternatives they learn how life sometimes has things we have to do first before the fun stuff.

I can often be heard to say "Jude mommy has one final string and you are twanging on it boy" - the girls are pretty good, or at least only have average energy levels- Jude could try the patience of the saints at times and so i learnt a long time ago it was easy to explain than to just keep saying no.

[Christine]

If I'm not sure about something then I usually give a non-committal sort of answer like, "We'll see." or, "We'll ask Daddy when he gets home." or something of that sort.

If I say no and change my mind, I'll usually tell them. However, if my "No." has precipitated whining and fussing on my kids' part, then I'll usually opt for not changing my verdict, even if there are valid reasons. I don't want to reinforce the, "Fussing and whining makes mom change her mind." kind of mentality.

When there has not been fussing, and when my children have politely pointed something out, then I think I need to be humble enough to admit that I spoke rashly and without thinking, yk? I'm not perfect at it, but I think it's the right thing to do.

That's exactly how I handle it! Of course, now my girls know that "we'll see" or "maybe" means they have one last shot to plead their case. If, like Kristen said, they whine and beg after I've said no - even if I change my mind - the verdict remains.

I've tried to get into the habit of only answering with a definitive "no" when I was willing to stand by it to the death. :giggle I've often said to them, "How long have you know me? Have you ever known me to change my mind once I say 'no'?"

[Shana]

I have the opposite problem.

When my kids ask me for something, I think for a bit... and most often, I will say yes. Ugh... I know. I'm a pushover.

My thought is that, if I am able to fulfill what they want, and it's reasonable, then why not? Say yes?

Most of this, I do admit, has to do with the guilt that I have going on.

However, I love my children so dearly, and always have.... and having come from parents who could do little or give me little (although I always felt loved and cherished) -- I want them to have what they need and definitely what they want.

That, and I fully admit this.... is my OWN problem :sigh

[Kristi]

There are some things that I know the answer is No to right away and i have no problem saying no automatically if I know for a fact that my answer won't be changing.

In other circumstances I say "We'll see" or "I'll think about it" or something like that.

IF I say no and then reconsider it and change my answer then I just explain to them that Mommy made a mistake and really didn't think about it before answering. Which I do sometimes if i am occupied with somethnig else.