Helping a friend through divorce?

[Beka]

Looking for advice really as even though this isn't the first time i've dealt with this it is the first time i've dealt with one like this, when my friend Maria divorced it was easy- her husband was a complete dick who was regularly beating hell out of her and cheating on her, it was easy to support her when i hated him so much.

Last night we were visited by one of our very close friends (our urban family- we've a group of friends we've known so long and been so involved in their lives & their families that they are like family, my "urbz" LOL) and he basically came to tell us his brothers wife has left him- his brother was our bestman, his wife was my bridesmaid. we get on great with both of them but he is definately waaaay more vunerable than she is and she has chosen to leave him. (Suddenly decided after 8 years together, 18 months of marriage she doesn't want that life anymore and he's "boring" because he's spent the last 5 years building a career and going through uni, she's moved on and found new friends basically, young single friends who have more freedoms and are more outgoing- he was always quite a shy character)

So basically any ideas for how we can support him through this? Obviously we don't want to demonise his wife- we've always gotten on great with her.

David is really upset by it as the squire has been his bestfriend (and our best man, david was his, he's chase's godfather- you get the picture) for over a decade and i think he's feeling quite useless right now.

[elin]

That's really hard. Two of my good friends from college married one another and divorced 8 years later, as they both agreed they couldn't provide what the other needed. It is harder when you like both of them, when there isn't really a "bad" guy to fully blame. The only thing I found to do was to provide a nonjudgmental space for Amy to talk things through (I lost touch with Shannon; Amy and I were always best friends, and it was awkward to be with him b/c Amy told me everything). And to be available for repeated goings-through of everything, and supportive when she started dating again.

I did find it harder though, knowing both of them so well. I could see how the differences in their characters made the relationship fail, and it was difficult to know when to say to Amy that there were things for her to work on as well if she didn't want her next relationship to fail for the same reasons.

[Kate]

I think the only thing you can do is be there for both of them seperately, to whatever degree they want it, and be willing to listen to them both, but not get involved in a "S/he's a...." debate with either of them.

I don't pretend to say that any of that will be easy, but I guess that's but the only thing that there is to be done in that situation.

[Beka]

thank you both for replying

Elin i think you hit it on the head really- right from day one we could see incompatible parts to a relationship but i guess we always wrote it off as what an odd couple David and i make (seriously- you'd probably never have put him further apart from the type of man everyone thought i'd marry LOL) and imagined there were sides to each other only they saw- very sad that there wasn't

Kate I'm currently in the process of trying to get hold of the squire (our bestman- has always just been the squire, not sure why but he is LOL) as he appears to have vanished, waiting for it to get to a reasonable saturday morning hour then i shall call his grandma's house as she usually knows where he is!

[Kate]

Grandma's are good for that...I hope you are able to track him down soon though, I can only begin to imagine how bad he's feeling.

[giffy]

I guess if she's the one who's initiated it, and out of the blue as well, he's got to be feeling completely shattered right now. He may need some help with organising stuff - be it furniture for a new place (if he's moving out), or getting stuff transferred to his name, or whatever. If you think she would not be upset by your providing this kind of practical help, I am sure it would be appreciated.

I am sorry about your friends. It is hard to watch the people you love go through shit like that, and it can make you really question your own relationships.

[Kristi]

We just had to deal with this recently. Our best friends from Italy split up. Tim was good friends with the husband and the wife was my bestfriend. Basically the most important thing was not to take sides. We knew we didn't know the whole story and to be supportive of both friends. let them know that you are there for them and willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on or whatever they may need.

It is hard because i adore her husband and I was getting more of her side of story than his. I am sure it will be even harded for you. At the time it happened they were still in Italy and we were back in the states so we have not had to be around either of them since.

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[Beka]

thanks everyone for the replies, David finally got a hold of him (at his grandmothers house- what did i tell you?? LOL) yesterday and he's not in a very good state of mind mostly because when he went home to fetch clothes he discovered she's already moved someone else into his side of the marital bed before even having their first consultation with divorce lawyers :hellno and he said it's made him realise the last few months when she'd told him he needed to liven up and change it wouldn't have matter what he tried because she obviously already had it into her head she wanted out and was just trying to aleviate the guilt by trying to make a reason and make it seem like she gave it a chance.

Anyway now we've managed to get hold of him feeling alot better knowing he knows he's always welcome back "home" (my house is very much urban family regrouping grounds) and that we're only a phonecall away if he wants to talk or get out, hated the thought of him sat there thinking he needed to go through this alone as he's quite an emotionally drawn person who doesn't like to show things are getting to him.

[Kate]

How awful for him. I'm glad he now knows that he does have support though.

[Desirae]

Oh man.:( I hope that he's able to heal quickly.

[Jejune]

Oh, dear. I haven't been through divorce with friends yet, but a number of years back one of my two best friends split with her live in boyfriend. It was a no fault thing at the time, and while obviously I was closer to my best friend, we liked the boyfriend too. Only the thing is, and I've found this repeatedly with break ups, and with my parents' divorce, we did end up taking sides, because the no fault thing unraveled a little with time, and we found that we didn't like the boyfriend as much when he wasn't with my friend. He turned out to be someone who absorbs other people's personalities a little when he's around them. When he was around my friend, he acted more like her, and we love her, so we loved him too. When they split, his whole personality changed, and he went on to a very different place in his life, and we just weren't part of it any more. When my parents split, they maintained mutual friends for a little while, but when my dad became a deadbeat dad, and it became harder to maintain a pretense of respect and equality, most of their mutual friends essentially picked a side. It's not to say it's inevitable, but I guess I'm putting it out there that it could happen, and it's not necessarily a fault thing as much as fall out from a relationship's end. If you do end up becoming closer to one than the other, that can be as much about where you all are going with your lives as about the end of the relationship. Does that make sense? You don't have to demonize the other, but sometimes splits are because of major life changes, and people grow apart. It seems like it was because of the split, but sometimes the split is more the result than the cause.