Disciplining while babysitting?

[Kristen]

This is sort of a rant and a question, so I figured I'd just put it here.

The question is, when you used to babysit, did you discipline the kids?

The reason I ask is, my sil babysat our kids last Saturday. While she fed them dinner, Joshua looked a little downcast, so she asked him what was wrong, and he said that dinner was taking too long and he was frustrated. So then, she said that was complaining and criticizing and she sent him to his room to think about it. Then when he came out, she was quizzing him on what the Bible says about complaining.

When we came home, SHE said that he just up and said, "I'm so disgusted that dinner is taking so long", conveniently leaving out the fact that she'd asked him!

I am very annoyed with her for several reasons:

1-she lied(I think she was embellishing the story so we'd be amazed by her disciplinary prowess).

2-Joshua is not a difficult child. He would not have needed to be sent to his room to "think about it". I know my son, and a gentle verbal correction(when it's necessary) is almost always enough. After being gently corrected, he would most certainly NOT keep on complaining. I am not at all a fan of sending children to their rooms...in some cases, I think it's a mean thing to do.

3-I just don't think it was her place. When I babysat, I only disciplined when it was absolutely necessary. Like one time, I babysat a child who was hitting his siblings and hitting me, and so I sat on a chair and just physically restrained him, so he would stop hurting his siblings. Disciplining a child for complaining is just NOT a babysitter's job...it wasn't necessary. Steve and I can work on moulding his character so that he will be a grateful, cheerful young man, but she did not need to deal with something so mild.

4-My sil is the last person in the world to instruct Joshua on the Bible. I'd venture to say she hasn't opened hers in the last 10 years, and she's only darkened the door of a church when our babies have gotten baptized. So it galls me that she is acting like some spiritual authority over our kids. augh!

5-My sil has NO children, and thus has no parental experience. Wtheck is she thinking???

I guess I just feel like her job was to feed my children and keep them happy and put them in bed, not to nitpick over small character issues that she might see. Steve and I know our children's faults, and we are faithfully working on them, since WE are their parents.

So, what do you think? Would you have been mad? Steve and I are very disinclined to have her watch our children again, that is for sure. I feel so bad for Joshua. :sigh

[Kami]

When I babysat I disciplined the kids, but only when it was necessary and only in ways the parents approved of. When people watch my kids I expect the kids to listen & be respectful, but I also expect that of the babysitter. ;) I would have been a little upset at the situation you explained, but I am not sure I would count her out as a babysitter, unless things like this have happened before. I would explain appropriate discipline procedures and let her know that you were not happy with the situation and the way if was handled. If she doesn't want to respect your parental choices then I wouldn't ask her to babysit again.

[Mary]

I don't get what there was to be disciplined over in the first place. I mean, she asked, and it's not like he jumped up and swore at her and screamed about the dinner taking a long time. She asked and he told her the truth.

As for the Bible bit, I wonder if it's that she assumed that's the angle you guys would take with it because you are so involved in church and everything, KWIM?

[Lori]

I can't remember ever disciplining kids while I babysat, honestly, beyond just separating kids if they were fighting with each other.

I'd be very upset if a babysitter, without instructions to do so from me, decided to discipline my child for anything like that. If Thomas was hitting or being destructive, then I'd want him in a time out, but I'd tell them that to start with, so they didn't have to wonder. I certainly wouldn't want a babysitter disciplining him for what they saw as a flaw in his character.

[Jessica]

I'm with Mary, what exactly did he need to be disciplined over - his honesty? Well gosh, lets just all lie next time we are unhappy and pretend that everything is hunky dori!

I didn't really discipline kids when I babysat. It just wasn't my place. I was babysitting, which meant caring for the children, keeping them safe, happy, fed, and put to bed. That's it.

I probably couldn't let her watch my kids again if I were you. :hugs

[hanaruby]

Count me in with the people who don't understand why he was disciplined.
Seriously, does she think that children aren't allowed to express any kind of displeasure, ever?

I don't remember really disciplining the kids I babysat for, however, I was a teenager, so....

[Beka]

arrrgggghhh sils and sisters is all i can say!!!!

My sil1 (not the sil2 i get on really well with) has really staunch rules and conditions for her children (to the point of irrational parenting militance- it's not just a case of she uses physical discipline, i don't but the fact she doesn't allow them to be children nor have an opinion) and it annoys the cr*p out of me when she tries to impose her naughty step or whatever b*lls she is chosing for that day upon MY kids when they have done something she considers wrong (like asking for juice outside of HER dictated juice time or for suggesting her dairy coated crisp bread isn't what they want to eat which errrm to be honest i'd rather eat my own feet even though i am an adult and can rationalise how "good" it is for me) because A- it's not a discipline we use, B- it's not an issue we would discipline for and C- she has no idea of the nature & personality of my kids. (and when her 3 act like little f*ckers and mine are actually really rather lovely little people i find it hypocritical, i especially hate & clash with her when she decides on a blanket punishment for ALL the children - mine, hers and SIL2's because one of HER children has been naughty and she wants to punish all 3 of hers so drags all the kids into it to make it fair)

Thankfully David has massive issues with her parenting and does speak out- she can discipline her own as she will but she's not doing it to our kids as there is no consistancy or rational in any of her parenting techniques

My sister annoys the hell out of me as she has a really messed up idea of how children should behave and Jude especially does not conform to that idea (her standards are far too high & exact and based on much older children)

so yes- i would be mad, especially over the biblical part- i know your religion is extremely important to you and I don't feel she should be using the bible as some form of punishment to him, yes discuss with him what the bible says but not quiz him making him say his behaviour went against his religion- since when did honesty go against the bible?

And i agree- i hate sending to rooms as well, it sends a message of exclusion from the family and i don't think it's a very positve message to send

[Val]

I would discipline occasionally- but I'm not talking about anything as simple as complaining about dinner. In fact, most children I never had to at all. The things I would send them to their rooms for was BAD stuff (honestly one family had 3 boys who were just outrageously awful)

[Kami]

I just wanted to add that I don't think Joshua should have been disciplined for responding to the question she asked.

[Erika]

There was a family I regularly babysat for and quite frankly, the eldest boy was a little hellion. BUT, while I would discipline, it was only when he hit or was rude. I always expected an apology for rudness and bad manners. For anyone who looks after Sasha in the future, I would expect the action from them if she is rude.

That said, I would never send the child to his room (unless he hit). And I would never tell him to dwell on his actions.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this Kristen. And could it be possible that she was mocking your religion by asking Joshua what the Bible had to say about complaining? (maybe it's just me but that is what I'm getting form it).

[Desirae]

There is no reason IMO that he would have even been repremanded for that!
I only disiplined for major things and only in ways the parents were ok with.
:hugs Kristen. Is Steve going to talk to her?

[Kristen]

Beka, that is a very good point. Perhaps I should have pointed out the ninth commandment to her!

Erika, no, I don't think she was mocking us. I think she was trying, in a twisted way, to impress us with her parenting prowess. Impressing others is her M.O., really, and she will do pretty much whatever she thinks it'll take to do that.

Des-I dunno...I think we will let it lie. I'm not sure talking to her would do any good. She's a pathological, um, embellisher, and I just don't know that she'd do any differently next time if we talked to her. What would we say, or lay down as guidelines? "You can correct him for x, y, and z, but for cases such as a, b, and c, you can send him to his room, and if he does p, q, and r, then we want to know about it. "? I feel like this should be pretty intuitive, and if she lacks the intuition, I just don't really trust her.

Just to clarify on the whole sending to the room thing...I think it is pointless to do this after a child has responded to correction. Steve's parents used to discipline him and then send him to his room on top of it, and I think that's bad. Once our children have responded to correction or discipline, then they are forgiven, and we are all back in fellowship. There is no need for exclusion from the family, or for further dwelling on the infraction.

[Jejune]

The idea of punishing a child for having a feeling and expressing it is giving me the willies. It's not like he screamed obscenities at her. He expressed discomfort and was punished for it, and that's kind of disturbing, like in a potentially abusive way. Not like, "Oh Em Gee! I think she'll beat your kids!" but in the sense that it sounds like she has major control issues that could lead to non-physically abusive behavior. Heck, I think her behavior under the circumstances WAS abusive. Just not out and out call CPS abusive.

[Kristen]

I know...it'd be one thing if he threw himself on the floor or started hitting her and screaming at her over the length of dinner, and the delay of dessert. But Joshua doesn't do that. I wasn't here, but I would bet my life on the fact that he didn't behave that way.

Does he need to learn to be unselfish, and to politely and cheerfully wait at the table until the rest of the family has finished? Yes. But Steve and I can handle that ourselves, and, given that Joshua is not a rebellious sort of kid, we can certainly accomplish our goal without having to use more than verbal correction.

Besides, how could she know if this was a pattern? We all have bad days here and there, and I'll let something slide if it's an unusual behavior. A pattern of complaining and of selfishness would certainly be addressed, but a one-time thing would most DEFINITELY not have needed anything more than a verbal correction.

[Desirae]

Yeah I can understand that... your SIL is my sister! ;)

[Kristi]

First of all it was wrong of her to lie and omit parts of what took place when repeating what happened to you. Secondly it does not really sound like something that he needed to be punished for in the way that she did. Ot at all even. I mean he was just stating an opinion and she asked him what was wrong.

When I babysit someone's kids I only punish when necessary. I try to think about what the child's parent would do in that situation and go with that. I think things like that are the reason I only babysit for close frineds and family and only leave my children with people who have the same types or rules and discipline in the same manner as we do when I can help it. I hate leaving the boys with Tim's family because they use spanking (well smacking on the hand really)_for almost everything and I have no idea if they do that with my kids. I don't think they have the right to though. I don;t approve of it.

[Cyndi]

I never discipline other's children unless they are hurting others or being outright disrespectful. I would have been ticked at your SIL too.

[Polly]

Yep. I disciplined a bunch. I was a nanny. So it went with the job. When I was a babysitter I always made sure I knew what the major house rules were and what punishments the parents felt were appropriate. I also let all children who could understand (the over 4 years old crowd) that inappropriate behavior would be punished, according to their parent's rules and with foreknowledge and consent of the parents. I am evil that way. :devious BTW-I must be a very scary person as I rarely had discipline problems with any kids I babysat for.

Polly

[Kristen]

Polly, if I had a nanny, I would FULLY expect her to have to discipline my kids. Having to take care of kids long-term like that is very different than watching kids for two hours, yk?

My point is just that in the space of two hours, she should not have felt like she needed to address a very mild case of impatience at dinner. A two-hour babysitting job should be about maintaining a decent level of sanity, and keeping the kids healthy and happy until bedtime, not about trying to enforce a very picky level of character development.