Relief of Mommy Guilt

[Polly]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/19/AR2007031901972.html

Apparently, we spend more time with our kids than our moms did-my mom worked so I know I'm spending more time with mine.

OK-so why do moms still beat themselves up over the amount of time we spend? I'm trying to get over the guilt as I sit here typing this-Elizabeth is pulling on my leg and loudly complaining. But if I spent every single moment with her when I'm not either cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, housekeeping, etc. I'd go crazy. And why should I feel guilty? Because being a SAHM means that I must selflessly devote all remaining time to my daughter? What crap!

I also think of my working mom and her fantastic lack of guilt. Not because she was a working mom, my mom is just one of those people who makes her decisions and doesn't look back with regret very often. I asked her if she felt guilty for not spending more time with me when she picked me up from my nanny's house and we went home. She said no. Mom needed that half hour to read the mail and chill after work. She said I wouldn't have wanted to be around her if she hadn't taken that time. Knowing my mom, she was right.
All of her friends who worked told her they felt terribly guilty about not spending more time with their kids.

I've ranted enough. Now I'm returning to my motherly duties and taking Elizabeth to the park to play on the swings. :D

Polly

[Lori]

That's very interesting. My theory on it is that somehow the discussion of "quality time" and the discussion of "quantity time" got tied together, so that now we feel guilty if we don't spend massive amount of really enriching time with our kids. Honestly, my mom spent a lot of time with us plopped in front of the TV, whereas I feel guilty if I don't take Thomas on several enriching outings during the week. I can't say I think I turned out that badly, and I don't think my mom did a bad job, so I'm not sure where this new standard of having to devote every single waking moment to creating the most enriching environment possible for your children came from, or why I feel guilty when I don't live up to it, but I do.

[Christine]

I used to feel guilty when they were young if I would take a moment to myself. I can honestly say that my guilt no longer comes from the amount of time I spend with them, but the quality of that time.

[Lori]

I wanted to add that I think attachment parenting has a good deal to do with this, unfortunately. When AP gets turned into a set of rules, which it often does, then suddenly if you aren't 100% responsive to your child 100% of the time, you're failing them and setting them up for a lifetime of psychological problems. I know that's not how it was intended, but that it how it's often presented.

And when the alternative is providing a strict, rigid structure (eat, play together, play alone, sleep, on four-hour cycles) that you absolutely cannot deviate from or you will be ruining your child for life (so you better not even think about going out for an afternoon because you must always think of the schedule), it seems like everywhere you turn parents are basically being told that unless they are devoting 100% of their time to either responding to their children's needs or structuring their kids't time, they are failing as parents, that's just a set-up for guilt.

[Kami]

I used to feel guilty when they were young if I would take a moment to myself. I can honestly say that my guilt no longer comes from the amount of time I spend with them, but the quality of that time.

:thumbsup Very well said Christine! That describes me! ;)

[Beka]

Totally agree with you Lori- i think labelling and shoe boxing parents causes guilt, alot of my practices are attachment parenting ideas but it really does worry me when you get moms stressing that they are failing their child by not doing everything as very AP as they could- the whole principle with it was to respond to your needs as a family, not to worry and pester and adhere to routines and you seriously do see people stressing themselves into a state of guilt as they have read how to AP in a book (which always worries me- if the whole principle of it is natural parenting how the hell can anyone write a book on what is going to feel natural to someone else????) and panick if it's not working as it should.

Also the pressure to raise perfect mini-adults, my dad, my uncle and i had this discussion a while back (sad isn't it- most of my deepest parenting conversations are conducted with my father and my uncle- both of whom were working fathers) and we discussed how when i was little a kid stick his head in the toilet we'd (parents) laugh now a kid does the same thing and we (parents) are leafing through the phone book trying to find them some therapy and check if they're normal and will they grow into rounded sucessful adults- somewhere along the line we became so absorbed with raising sucessful future adults we forget to raise happy, stress free children and you can't do that if we're permanently in this sense of "not good enough" competative parenting we fall into the vicious cycle of.

[Jo]

I am actually fed up with how we are supposed to parent based on these societal expectations. At the same time, I feel myself falling into the trap. Mira is already in preschool(because we agree with most things Montessori) and gymnastics. Tonight at gymnastics, I was listening to another set of parents talk and their son who is just barely 2 has a massive schedule. Apparently he got into a music class as well. This kid is too young to stay focused on the gymnastics class and tries to do what he wants all the time. Yet they make themselves feel like they are giving him the best start by filling his days full of activities that he isn't remotely ready for.

You can spend more quality time in a few minutes than you can over the space of an hour doing essentially nothing. Heck-once they get to Mira's age, you can easily engage them in cleaning and get help if you keep it a bit structured. Even Laura pitches in. When I am picking up toys and putting them in bins, I simply present the right bin for her to put toys in. But I don't feel I have to give all my time to them and I don't feel like I have to give up my 'chores' for them. I just avoid my chores and use them as an excuse sometimes.:giggle

[Beka]

Jo that sounds alot like when i used to take Chase to ballet- i got drawn into it because all little girls need ballet LOL she hated it and i was entirely gobsmacked by the attitudes of some of the other parents- i honestly thought pushy mother syndrom was just a joke until i saw it first hand and it is alarming how some SAHMs over schedule their kids to try and make their being at home seem somehow more valid.