Do I have a reason to be upset

[giana]

I dont know how to start it but lets say that my husband has this urge to make friends....any friends...so he gets friends with whomever
On the other hand I have very high standards when it comes to people I open my life to...Im a bit of a hermit...
Anyway...My husband is delivering pizzas part time and met this guy that happens to be married to a coworker of mine...can you smell trouble???
Well they are young....very young and as much as I hate to sound prejudicious in any form theyre not culturally compatible to us...I even have reasons to think he abuses her...thats not pertinent tho
Well my husband decided to go on a double date with them...We never go out because of the kids so I was kinda excited...just to find out that we were going to bowl...I mean my idea of night out is a pub with quality beer and quality conversation...I knew it wasnt happening
So we get to the damn bowling alley and I feel ridiculously overdressed and a tad bit old...I love being in my 30s but that wasnt the age range of our fellow bowlers...
So I say what the hell lets get drunk...well our friends also dont drink and theyreactually grumpy due to the fact that one I cant bowl and two I talk too much
Needless to say the night ended early and bad with me drunk my dh mad and the other two I have no idea
Now Im very very upset because in his urge of making friends my husband cant see that some people just dont belong in our group and he puts me in this damn situation of spending days and nights with dumb people drinking cheap beer and talking about wrestling...I just cant stand it
I mean I dont even know if Im being selfish or not but it frustrates me that he acts like an insecure 20 year old....

[BigDave]

I think you have every right to be upset and frustrated. I am cursed with the same affliction as your husband and my wife has had the same complaints. I am told I can make friends with a wall. For example, we were visiting her Grandmother before we got married and went to a local watering hole for a pint of the local brew. About 2 sips into the drink I made "friends" with a man who called himself Gargoyle. Believe me, he was not the type my dearest would want to spend time with, I did not want to either, but I cannot say no to any conversation.

I would let him how this makes you feel. I know once my wife told me how bad it annoyed her I did my best not to make these "random" friends, especially ones that she did not get along with, or ones she did not want to spend any amount of time with.

If that does not work, try smacking him with a frying pan. (just kidding)

[Brooke]

I would be fairly annoyed also. I have the opposite issue - my dh doesn't make friends with anyone. He's very guarded.

Good luck with finding a solution to it

[Onyx]

I will start right out and say I know this must be very sensitive, so I want you to know that I am giving my thoughts, and not attacking you - touchy subjects can be hard to communicate online so I am going to do my very best :)

I dont know how to start it but lets say that my husband has this urge to make friends....any friends...so he gets friends with whomever
On the other hand I have very high standards when it comes to people I open my life to...Im a bit of a hermit...
Anyway...My husband is delivering pizzas part time and met this guy that happens to be married to a coworker of mine...can you smell trouble???
Well they are young....very young and as much as I hate to sound prejudicious in any form theyre not culturally compatible to us...

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "culturally compatible" so I can't really say much here..

I even have reasons to think he abuses her...thats not pertinent tho

This however is what WOULD be pertinent to me.

Well my husband decided to go on a double date with them...We never go out because of the kids so I was kinda excited...just to find out that we were going to bowl...I mean my idea of night out is a pub with quality beer and quality conversation...I knew it wasnt happening
So we get to the damn bowling alley and I feel ridiculously overdressed and a tad bit old...I love being in my 30s but that wasnt the age range of our fellow bowlers...
So I say what the hell lets get drunk...well our friends also dont drink and theyreactually grumpy due to the fact that one I cant bowl and two I talk too much
Needless to say the night ended early and bad with me drunk my dh mad and the other two I have no idea

See, I don't know about this - just because it wasn't want you were expecting doesn't mean you couldn't have fun with it, you know? I just got dragged to a bowling alley (and I am in my 30's) and I really had fun. I thought it was going to be awful, but it was cool. I've been in situations where I didn't think I was going to have fun, it wasn't "my" idea of a night out, but I let myself go with the flow and I had an awesome time!

To me, if I was hanging out with someone who's feelings were like "what the hell let's get drunk" and obviously didn't want to be there, yeah, I admit I'd be grumpy too. (Not saying that was how you acted, just trying to go with your post.)

Now Im very very upset because in his urge of making friends my husband cant see that some people just dont belong in our group and he puts me in this damn situation of spending days and nights with dumb people drinking cheap beer and talking about wrestling...I just cant stand it
I mean I dont even know if Im being selfish or not but it frustrates me that he acts like an insecure 20 year old....

I can see two sides of this. One is that to a point it seems like it could be possible that you might be lumping people into category of who does and doesn't belong? Again, this is just looking at what's here, but I can tell you that if some people were to base their opinion of me based on first glance they might think that I was definitely the kind of person that would not belong in their group, yet if they got to know me they'd find they can't base their opinion of me based on how I look, the car I drive, the job I work, etc. I have my own first glance issues (I hate well-off people who judge me, those who've never really had a hard life, etc) and I fight it, but I try to give people a chance and a lot of times we might not be close friends, but we can get along fine.

The other half of this is that while I can be a really bad hermit (very shy and BP makes it worse) and I would love to have an easier time meeting people, I can understand being overwhelmed with it. Why don't you suggest that sometimes when he meets friends that he hang out with them without you since they are his friends he is making. That way you don't feel obligated as often to go out with his new friends, and when you do you could maybe enjoy it more, or at least be able to try with less preasure?

[giana]

Okay I didnt mean to be prejudicious as I said....by culturally compatible I just mean that Im into things that theyre not and Its really hard for me to talk about reality shows and wrestling and nascar races and so on...the lady works with me and I kinda know that shes not a bad person but not a person Id like to spend my very little free time with...that was just nothing to talk about...absolutely nothing and I felt like an alien

[Jo]

I think it hard to be in that position. Like Dave posted, he used to put me there a lot without thinking. Because Gargoyle is just so memorable, it really helped him understand how I felt. How are you going to forget a really drunk guy who has lost his license in 3 States and was riding his bicycle drunk in snowstorm to get out?LOL

It is hard to be around people you know you just won't fit in with. I can talk about a couple of reality shows(my I don't have think luxury) but have long since lost interest in wrestling(I think it was the fad thing) and Nascar..well someone has yet to explain to me why driving in circles really fast is interesting.LOL

I don't know what to say to help resolve this. Have you tried getting your husband interested in things you like? Maybe make a deal, if he'll take some time to do something you like, then you will try(through gritted teeth and a fake smile:giggle) to go along with something he likes.

[Christine]

I would have a hard time being in that position, but at the same time I've made some good friends out of people I didn't have much in common to begin with. I think I probably would have tried to make the best of it though. I imagine that they felt as off-put as you did and felt they had nothing in common with you either.

I don't know. On the one hand I think I'd feel uncomfortable, but on the other hand I think I would have at least tried to end the night on a civil note.

[MathSpeak]

This is a touchy topic for me, too. I think you have every right to be bothered by this all and to talk to your husband about it. Additionally, I think you have a right to have him respect that and for you guys to come to some sort of happy medium on it all. Good luck with it :)

[Jennee]

i like to make friends with lots of people, i try to find things to talk about, you never know, maybe you will learn something.
hubby doesnt like people

[Val]

:rofl OMG Jenn! "Hubby doesn't like people" I think we should make that a quote- I love it!!!!

Honestly, IMO there were better ways to handle an uncomfortable or uninteresting night. I'm totally not saying that you are, but there's a good chance you looked like a snob. That's not to say I'm perfect and I've never gotten drunk in an awkward situation (because I totally have) but you need to talk to your husband before it happens again. Maybe he is interested in wrestling and nascar :dunno

[giana]

Ohhh Snob doesnt offend me anymore LOL
Im not a snob tho Im just a very peculiar person but I cant expect people to understand that so I get snob all the time instead of excentric and thats what it is in reality.Im also not a peoples person unless I find someone extremely interesting .I know its hard to live with me but my point is that my dh married me knowing about all my peculiarities and I feel kinda violated when he just ignores my feelings and does whatever he feels is cool...Its really a major pain to me to socialize like that and he knows and thats when I feel he could be easy on me....anyways Its done and over with now

[Jo]

Im not a snob tho Im just a very peculiar person but I cant expect people to understand that so I get snob all the time instead of excentric and thats what it is in reality.Im also not a peoples person unless I find someone extremely interesting.

I could have written that. I feel that way IRL a lot. I have more fun talking on the forums because I can pick and choose what I discussions I want to get involved in. It just seems easier sometimes when it isn't face to face as well.

I don't think it is fair of your dh to ignore your feelings on this issue. I can see why he might have gotten upset at this particular situation but I can more than see why you would be upset if this is a pattern of his.

[Val]

Then there's only one thing to do! Make your husband suffer LOL Maybe it's not the most mature, or the best for our relationship, but whenever I'm forced to spend a night listening to his work friends talk about the TCP/IP interface and the XYZ reports I get to pick what we do the next time :evil

[off-kilter]

Well, I understand you weren't comfortable and were bored, but I also can see that your husband seems to want to socialize and have friends outside of the limited circle of people that interest you.

You're right that your husband knew that you were like this from the get go, but you knew he was much more gregarious than you from the start also, no? Making compromises is part of a partnership.

Sorry you had such a crappy time.

[Desirae]

I agree with Off-kilter. :hugs

[Lori]

I have the opposite situation with my husband. And coming from there, I still think you have a right to be annoyed, to an extent.

My husband is both very quiet and very particular, and honestly kind of annoying over-critical, and I'm friendly and not very picky. Both when we lived in Ann Arbor and now here in Detroit, I had a lot of people I'm friendly with. And I don't spend massive amounts of time with them, but once in a while things will come up where we'll be invited to do something with someone I'm friendly with. I have lots of people I'm friendly with who aren't really friends, if that makes sense. Sean tends to be friendly with his friends and is more just distantly polite with everyone else.

I just don't bring Sean. It's that simple. In Ann Arbor, nearly everybody I knew was too snobby, too pretentious, or too boring for him. Here, nearly everybody is too old, too weird, or too conservative. And, honestly, he's right to an extent, at least in that most of the people I'm friendly with are not people we have much in common with or people I'd pursue a close friendship with. When we do meet people who we have a lot in common with, then Sean is more than happy to spend time with them, and he's a very good friend to the people he's friends with. But he really only pursues friendships with people he has a lot in common with, and he's not a very social person, so just hanging out with people for the sake of hanging out with them--rather than to pursue a deeper friendship--isn't something that he enjoys at all.

I'm fine with that. I've learned that I have a far better time socializing if I'm alone and don't have to worry about him not having a good time. I don't think it would be fair of me to force him to hang out with people who, honestly, I don't have any plans to be particularly good friends with, either. I'm pretty good at being able to tell who is somebody he'll enjoy spending time with and who isn't, and if I'm going to be spending time with somebody I know he'll be miserable around, I don't make an issue of it. I don't make an issue of him not wanting to hang out, and he never makes an issue of me going out without him. It works for us, especially since when it comes to close friends, we do have them in common, and hang out with them together.

The people I mainly socialize with here are people from the mom's group, and once in a while they have family get-togethers. Aside from Sean, only one or two of the other husbands aren't involved in the same missionary organization, and those other husbands rarely come to things, either, because it's kind of a cliqueish situation. Sean would rather be put in the middle of a pool of hungry circling sharks than have to hang out with the other husbands, and it would just be mean of me to force him to. I'm happy to make small talk and general mom talk with the other moms, but I'm not going to be close friends with any of those families, so there's no point in forcing him into a situation he's going to be uncomfortable and miserable in.

I think compromise is the best way to go. As long as he's free to go out with people he wants to spend time with (to a reasonable extent) and as long as you're willing to meet people who he honestly thinks you'll get along with, I don't see why you should be put through social situations you're miserable in or he should have to feel like he can't meet new people.